Title: Sexiest Human in the Alpha Quadrant
Author: klmeri
Fandom: Star Trek AOS
Characters: Kirk, Spock, McCoy
Warnings: This is unadulterated crack.
Summary: Three senior officers of the Enterprise agree to a talk show without knowing what lies in wait for them.
A/N: Inspired by jim-and-bones’s DCDD posts – er, comments, which show a lot of lovin’ for the boys!

“I doubt you’ll need that, Jim,” Leonard McCoy says, gesturing to the communicator Kirk clips to his belt.

Jim shrugs and smiles good-naturedly. “I feel better when I know I have a direct line to the ship, Bones.” He rolls his shoulders to release any lingering tension. “C’mon, let’s get this over with.”

“Captain,” the Vulcan at Jim’s elbow intones. The word could almost be mistaken for an agitated plea.

“You too, Spock! I can’t talk shop without my best First Officer.”

Spock’s expression hints that he wishes he could sigh without ruining his Vulcan image. “I am the only First Officer of the Enterprise, Jim.”

McCoy pulls at the collar of his stuffy uniform. “Look, y’all quit yapping. The sooner we sit and look pretty for the cameras, the sooner they’ll let us go back to the ship. God, I hate this part.”

Jim doesn’t respond to that, and Spock and Leonard know why. Jim loves the attention of talk shows, and in general the attention that comes with being the captain of Starfleet’s flagship. (Except on diplomatic peace talks, but that’s a different kind of attention.)

The music starts and a man in a black t-shirt that says SECURITY in bold white letters motions them toward the side entrance to the studio’s stage.

Jim is introduced first; the audience cheers and claps for him as he strides toward the host, shakes the shorter man’s hand, and waves at the viewers as he settles into a chair. Eventually the applause dies down, only to start again as Spock walks onstage, hands clasped behind his back. He offers the traditional greeting of his people to the host before sitting next to Jim.

Then McCoy comes out and, oddly, the audience goes wild. Some people stand up and chant “McCoy!”; others wolf-whistle and giggle and make kissy-faces. Leonard pulls up short on the middle of the stage, uncertain of what is happening. At the wide grin of the host (who runs a hand through his artfully styled red hair) and the encouragement of “Don’t be shy, Doctor!” Leonard proceeds to the last vacant chair.

Jim clears his throat and murmurs to his CMO, “Bones, I think you’re popular.”

The purse of Leonard’s mouth speaks volumes. You’re lucky I don’t have a hypospray in my pocket, kid.

The conversation begins easily enough; Jim chats amiably with the host, answering questions and diverting other questions (“Are you seeing anyone special, Captain?”) with a smooth joke or two. It is apparent Jim is good at this kind of publicity, or has at least cultivated a talent for it since he became the poster boy for Starfleet. Leonard is almost able to relax in his chair, until the host turns his attention from Spock (“Tell us about New Vulcan’s progress”) to McCoy. The atmosphere of the studio shifts to an eerie fixation on the doctor.

The host does not begin with a question Leonard is prepared to answer. He says, eyes twinkling, “Let’s cut to the chase, Doctor. In recent Hot-or-Not polls, you were voted one of the sexiest officers in the ‘Fleet. What would you like to share with your newfound fans?”

Excited giggling erupts in the audience.

Leonard flicks a glance toward Jim, no doubt wondering silently, What the hell is he talking about?

Suddenly very stiff and straight in his chair, Kirk half-jokes to the host, “Is McCoy in the top five now? You know, a Captain should be informed if he is being overtaken in rank by one of his juniors!”

“Junior, my ass…” snorts the doctor. Leaning toward Spock, Leonard wants to knows, “Was any of this in the script they sent us?”

“I do not believe so,” the Vulcan replies. “Interesting. There is a person in the audience proposing marriage to you, Doctor.”

Leonard grimaces at the sight of the glittery poster the woman is waving around to get his attention.

“Interesting,” the host echoes Spock. He looks between Kirk and McCoy. “Dr. McCoy, it’s speculated you will soon take Captain Kirk’s title of Sexiest Human in the Alpha Quadrant. Will this affect your working relationship?”

Jim shifts in his seat to look at Leonard. He seems surprised—and not happy about it.

Leonard shakes his head slowly. “I… have no idea what you’re goin’ on about. Jim?”

But the host seems unperturbed. Jim, who opens his mouth to reply, is cut off by: “Speaking of sexy doctors, let’s look at some evidence, shall we?”

“God yes!” somebody shouts.

On cue, a giant holo-screen, previously a white backdrop behind the guests, lights up with a very large, very vivid photo of a partly naked McCoy; his hair is sleep-tousled, and his bare feet peek out from beneath pajama bottoms, whose fabric is tantalizingly strained across his hips.

Leonard’s mouth drops open in shock.

The audience bursts out with unrestrained applause and vocal approval.

“This photo of Dr. Leonard McCoy, provided by an unknown source, went viral last week after a very interesting interview with his ex-wife.”

“Interview—what interview?” McCoy sounds alarmed.

The host taps a small note-PADD in his hand and grins at his three guests. “According to your ex-wife, Doctor—” He winks at the audience, who cheers back, apparently knowing where this conversation is headed. “—you enjoy romantic walks on the beach, hand-holding in public, and cuddling.”

A female voice squeals near the top row of the audience. Spock’s face twitches at the sound.

Jim turns to stare at his CMO in horror, mouthing the word, Cuddling?

Leonard, speechless and reflexively gripping the edges of his chair, is unable to look away from the host.

The host continues on gleefully, “Also it says here—and I know we’ve all drooled over this particular juicy detail—that you are ‘pleasingly well-proportioned’. Can you confirm this for us, Dr. McCoy?”

Leonard’s face reddens, whether out of embarrassment or rage, no one can tell. His sputter of a response is drowned out by several remarks—and demands—from the audience:

“Leonard, IloveyouandILOVETOCUDDLE!”

“Make out with Captain Kirk!”

“No, make out with ME!”

Jim lifts his hands and says jokingly, “Hey now, I’m a renowned ladies’ man…”

“MAKE OUT WITH THE VULCAN!!”

“…but I’ll try anything once!” he finishes more loudly than necessary.

Purring, the host says, “We know you will, Captain Kirk. Would you mind trading places with Dr. McCoy? I have more questions for our exceedingly hot space doctor—”

“Show us your scalpel, Dr. McCoy!”

“Take your clothes off!”

“OHMYGOD, Leoooonnarrrdd, I need you!”

Jim, ignoring the shoo-ing motion of the host, anchors his hands to his chair’s arms. “I fought a Gorn!” he insists, a statement which can hardly combat the increasing noise of the audience, now heightening toward pandemonium. “And my shirt was ripped off! I HAVE PICTURES!”

The first pair of panties sails through the air and lands on the stage. Jim shuts up and stares at it. It’s possible Leonard squeaks. Spock turns to Jim, lifting an eyebrow.

In a well-practiced motion, Jim retrieves his communicator and flips it open. “Kirk to Enterprise. Scotty, we are going to need a beam-out.”

Static, then a voice comes through the speaker, sounding sheepish. “Och, right now, Captain? Funny thing, the transporter is havin’ a wee bit of a hiccup…”

A pink shirt with McCoy’s face on it lands next to the underwear, followed quickly by a rainbow cascade of bras. The excited shrill of the audience grows; chairs and limbs are jostled. Someone begins a sinuous belly dance while crooning Leonard’s name.

Leonard snatches the communicator from Jim’s hand and hunkers behind Spock’s chair. Jim looks at the crowd abandoning their seats to storm the stage. A woman with crazy eyes is caught by security guard as she tries to wriggle over the railing separating her from McCoy; she shrieks with indignation as she is carted away. The host, on his feet now, frantically calls for more security men; it seems he did not anticipate a riot.

Then Jim looks at the hiding McCoy who is cursing a blue streak at his Chief Engineer through the communicator, and decides it may soon be prudent to join his CMO. He claps Spock’s shoulder with the comment, “If Scotty can’t get us out, you’re our only hope.”

Spock flicks his gaze uncertainly from Jim to the mad swarm of a shirtless, salivating humanoids and back again. “Now would be the optimal time to run, Captain,” he advises.

Grabbing the back of McCoy’s uniform to drag the hyperventilating doctor up from the floor, Jim agrees whole-heartedly.

Of course, he may or may not be plotting what to do about his new rival after their escape. A man—nay, a Captain!—never concedes his title without fight.

-Fini

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