Title: Offerings on the Vine (3/3)
Author: klmeri
Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Characters: Kirk, Spock, McCoy
Disclaimer: I own the plot bunnies but not the cast.
Summary: Spock’s and McCoy’s suspicious behavior catches the attention of the Enterprise crew. What could they be up to?
Previous Parts: 1 | 2

Part Three

“Oh, whatever could this be…“

McCoy has to refrain from smacking his (or Jim’s) forehead in frustration. “You’re NOT convincing me, Jim. Practice that line again and, for Christ’s sake, try to sound a little more surprised!“

Jim presses his lips together, probably to keep some ugly words from spilling out. (McCoy could also swear that he just saw a lick of fire and smoke come out of the Captain’s nostrils.)

Spock interrupts their tete-a-tete. “Perhaps the Captain can execute a look of surprise without the necessity of speech.”

McCoy sniggers as Jim transfers his baleful glare from the CMO to the First Officer. “Remind me why I agreed to help you two—because my memory is growing very short, very quickly.”

“Ah, Jimmy, surely you can take a little constructive criticism. We both know—” the doctor gestures between Spock and himself, “—that you can put on a show when you need to. Remember that time you had me going with your Insane Captain bit, just to steal a piece of machinery?” McCoy wants to say God-damned warfare that Starfleet won’t even approve for use instead, but now’s not the time to bring up the short-comings and audacity of their superiors.

Kirk relaxes as he recalls his acting feats of the past. When he begins to smile, McCoy has to say something just to get the Captain back on track. “Shall we start from the beginning?”

Jim does a quick body-shake (to rid himself of what McCoy has no idea) and agrees.

“Now, y’all be on the Bridge when Spock has to suddenly leave—”

“You will call me down to Sickbay, correct, Doctor?”

“Yeah, yeah, ‘course I will. That’ll send everyone into a tizzy! So Spock accidentally forgets his ‘gift’ at his station—”

“I’m not sure that is even plausible in Spock’s case, Bones.”

“Sure it is! He’s half-human, ain’t he? Holy Hell, Jim, don’t tell me you really think Spock is incapable of making a simple mistake—no offense, Spock.”

Spock says nothing. The Vulcan is so stoic-faced that McCoy cannot guess at what he might be thinking. Leonard decides to forge onward anyway.

“As I was saying—before you so rudely interrupted me, Jim, seriously where’d you learn your manners, a petting zoo?—the package is there, Spock is gone, and you—Jim-boy—will pull a Captain act and inspect it.”

Okay, now Jim does seem officially offended. The Captain crosses his arms and says with a little too much bite in his voice, “You’re a rare genius, Bones. Whatever would we do without you?” Jim then says to Spock, “How was that for acting, Mr. Spock?”

Spock answers, “Quite well, Captain.”

“Hey! I’m just an old country doctor, not a film director! Cut me some slack here.” McCoy stalks over to his forgotten drink. Always working with amateurs, he thinks. The bourbon burns pleasantly going down. He can address the others again. “Now that my senses are revitalized,” from your rubbish and mis-accusations, “can we get on with it?”

Despite Jim’s “You won’t even be there, Bones!” Leonard insists on getting their roles just right. So Kirk and McCoy (but not really Spock) start over and hash out the details of their plan—to McCoy’s satisfaction.

Words are flying. “Did you see what it was?”

“—the way the Captain clutched at his heart in shock—”

“—heard it was a petrified finger. Don’t you know that they’re trading in Orion body parts?”

“Oh my God, I think Kirk is in Sickbay right now with palpitations.”

“Ugh, how creepy…“

“Danvers is full of shit. Don’t listen to him!”

“—surely not Mr. Spock, he’s a decent guy—”

“I placed a bet on alcohol. Couldn’t it have been alcohol?”

“Shame on you all, for gossiping about your superiors!”

The group turns as one to look at the loud-mouthed ensign, who very quickly takes two steps back, eyes wide. Scotty says, “Lass, this is the Enterprise. She was born for bearing news!”

Sulu looks to Lieutenant D’Ange on his right and swaps a few credit chips. “Chekov and I can hack into the Security feeds,” he offers.

There’s a general chorus of yeah‘s and how-soon‘s. The helmsman grins at his (gossip) buddies and makes a quick comm to Chekov. “It’s on, Pavel.”

“God, but I wish I coulda been there, Jim! And how were their faces again?”

“I’d say half-horror, half-anticipation, Bones. I don’t think the Bridge crew’s been that up-in-arms since our last battle with a Klingon cruiser.”

“Did they—”

“No, no. I made sure to fall on top of it before anyone could get a peek.”

“Well, Uhura sure sounded convinced of your death, Jim, when she comm-ed Sickbay.” McCoy recalls the urgent Sickbay! Come in, Sickbay! The Captain’s down! He almost feels bad about their little trickery, but Spock assures McCoy that the data the Vulcan has collected as a consequence of the mysterious (horrifying) package that felled James T. Kirk is invaluable to their study.

His attention circles back to the ongoing conversation between Jim and Spock. “—determined that the rate at which the intelligence travels is a factor of—”

Jim is rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Leonard has to ask, “What’re you thinking?”

“Oh, about how useful this method of communication could be during battle…”

“When the comm system is down, right?”

Jim has that glint in his eye that makes McCoy’s stomach clench. While Leonard does enjoy a good publication on the psycho-schematics of group behavior, he’s really just trying to win his debate with Spock—that the gossip mill on this ship does affect the crew’s mindset as a whole. (Supposedly Vulcans do not engage in the act of gossiping.) Spock, Leonard knows, has become highly fascinated by the hive-like bustle of the Enterprise crew. Leave it to a Vulcan to find worthwhile information in a bunch of crazy, bored Starfleet officers. And leave it to Jim to know just what to do with that information.

He proposes a toast to their endeavors. As McCoy sips his Saurian brandy, Jim slaps a hand on his back that makes the glass tilt down the front of his uniform.

“Oops.” Jim doesn’t look sorry at all.

McCoy is debating on whether or not to throw the rest of his drink at the Captain when Spock announces from behind the Captain’s computer console, “I believe that we are being monitored.”

That shocks some vivid cursing right out of McCoy’s mouth. Jim is leaning over Spock’s shoulder so quickly that Leonard almost doesn’t seem him move. “What’s going on?” Leonard wants to know, coming around the front of the console.

Jim has narrowed eyes focused on the screen as Spock punches away. “Mr. Spock, trace that link.”

“Yes, Captain.”

As it so happens, the Captain’s quarters are being hacked from the Security deck. The little miscreants have just instigated a live voice-feed from these quarters—and of the entire incriminating conversation. Jim and Spock prepare to search out the perpetrators and recover all evidence. Fortunately for the soon-to-be-hunted, Doctor McCoy convinces the Captain to unstrap his phaser as he exits the room.

Sulu looks calm in the face of their dilemma; Chekov is anxiously bouncing his leg. “Do you think the Keptin will let us out of here soon, Hikaru?”

“Don’t know. But he is our Captain. If he wants to keep us in here—” Sulu does a quick survey on the inside of their cell, “—then we’ve got no choice but to sit tight.”

There is some lowly muttered cursing. “Well, why didn’t you tell him that we didn’t listen to the feed?”

Sulu turns his head and stares at the Russian. “But we did.”

Chekov’s mouth spreads into a sharp little grin. “So we did.” He and Sulu contemplate for the moment how to convince Kirk to let them go without setting off his temper again.

Then a very chilling thought occurs to the helmsman. “Chekov, you don’t think that he’ll have Mr. Spock—you know—”

Chekov looks uncertain. His leg starts to bounce at a more rapid pace. “I don’t care what anyone says… Vulcans are very unpredictable.”

Sulu rubs sweaty palms on the pants of his uniform. “And Mr. Spock does follow orders well…”

Their fate looks sad indeed from the vantage point inside the brig.

“You can’t keep ’em in there, Jim. That’s ridiculous, not to mention mean as Hell.”

“Whose side are you on, McCoy?”

“I’m on mine, always, Jimmy. Make no mistake about that. But Spock here agrees with me, don’t you, Spock?”

“Captain, Doctor McCoy has a valid point. Lieutenants Sulu and Chekov, while in violation of unauthorized hacking, do not merit the punishment of—”

“Okay! Seriously, do you two think that I’m that cold-hearted? Sulu and Chekov have Beta shift duty. They’ll be out before then.”

“Really, in thirty more minutes? How generous of you, Jim.” McCoy points his finger directly at Kirk’s nose (who refuses to cross his eyes, much to McCoy’s disappointment). “Free those boys, but make sure they don’t talk. Understand?”

Jim gets that half-smirk. “What are you afraid of, Bones? A little slander? A little gossip?“

“I ain’t afraid of nothing, Captain. And might I remind you that I have a large hypospray hidden away just for this kinda back-talk.” Leonard leans in, says menacingly as he can, “I know just which allergies will kill you and which won’t. And don’t you forget it!”

Jim laughs, then, at McCoy’s (heart-felt) threat. The Captain says to his other officer, the silent but probably amused Vulcan, “For the record, Mr. Spock, you should note McCoy’s hostile behavior. If I end up out of commission from a strange episode of Andorian shingles, he should be the first suspect.”

“Duly noted, Captain. Doctor, do you wish to remark on your behalf—for the record?”

Leonard sniffs and then bounces on the balls of his feet. “Sure do. I just wanna say that the Captain and the First Officer won’t know what hit ’em.”

Spock’s eyebrow makes a slow ascension. Leonard adds, “And you can bet on that, Spock!”

If, three minutes past the start of Beta shift, the helmsman and navigator show up on the Bridge slightly wild-eyed and quiet, no one will connect their unusual attitudes to the smug Captain—or the business-like Vulcan whom Chekov keeps nervously glancing at out of the corner of his eye. Instead, a new speculation will begin…

Why did the two men suddenly pull out of the betting pool? Does this mean that the CMO and the First Officer are done with their mutual exchanges? (Later, a yeoman reports the doctor and Vulcan arguing—well, Doctor McCoy shouting—in the corridor.) Is there to be a return to normal?

Should the others try to get their stakes back too? (Scotty’s invested three good bottles of scotch.)

What, why, how, and who.

The wheel churns on.

-Fini

Related Posts:

• A Supplement to Fic: Offerings on the Vine – from August 7, 2010
• Offerings on the Vine (2/3) – from July 13, 2010
• Offerings on the Vine (1/3) – from July 12, 2010