Title: Color Me a Vulcan
Author: klmeri
Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Characters: Kirk, Spock, McCoy
Disclaimer: No profit, except happiness, to be had.
Summary: A short Halloween drabble. Spock does not appreciate McCoy’s Halloween costume.

“Please explain.”

Leonard McCoy grins at the Vulcan. “Why, darlin’, isn’t it obvious?” Then he coughs loudly and re-corrects himself. “Er, what I mean is… Isn’t it logical?“

There is a Captain in the background who has a fist pressed to his mouth and is possibly crying tears of laughter.

Spock is not particularly pleased. His tone indicates this. “Doctor, an explanation requires a series of well-evidenced and reasonable statements on the matter in question. You only succeed in confirming my suspicion that you intend insult.”

“Now, now, Spock. There’s no need to get all out-of-sorts. You should be honored.”

Those sharp Vulcan eyes trace over McCoy’s fake pointy ears, strange black wig (with a bowl-cut) down to those mischievous blue eyes. McCoy bounces on the balls of his feet as Spock inspects his costume.

Kirk, who has finally managed to stumble upright, holds his side (which aches from his belly laughs) and limps over to them. “Bones, please tell me you didn’t walk through the ship like that.”

“Of course, Jim—Captain.” McCoy’s voice attempts to say the title as Spock would.

Kirk steps up between the pair of officers, reaches out and swipes a finger across Leonard’s face. It comes away sparkling green. “Don’t you think the face paint is a bit much?”

“Indeed, Doctor, you are aware of the pigmentation of a Vulcan’s skin.”

Far be it from Leonard McCoy to be discreet when he is in a playful mindset. McCoy laughs. “How else are people supposed to get the idea?”

“I think the fact that you keep repeating ‘Your conversation is illogical’ or ‘My hearing is superior; that whisper was illogical’ is a dead giveaway, Bones,” the Captain says dryly.

“Chapel did get a tad upset at me this mornin’. She probably thinks I’m off my rocker.”

“I do not understand this idiom, but I agree with its sentiment. Doctor, I must request that you cease this…” Spock trails off, for once at a loss to sufficiently describe the situation.

“It’s Halloween, Mr. Spock. If I want to be a Vulcan, then I’m damn well going to be a Vulcan!”

“After thorough research of the ‘holiday,’ I have concluded that All Hallows’ Eve was never accepted by all cultures on Planet Earth. It was officially removed from the calendar of a few select Terran governments—”

“Oh can it, Spock,” McCoy grumps. “You’re killing my fun. Besides, some of us still like the idea of Halloween. Didn’t you see Uhura’s outfit?”

Apparently Spock did not. From his silence, Uhura the witch would have been summarily ousted from the Bridge this morning if the First Officer had had the same shift. Spock’s fortuitous absence probably also prevented a few choice lectures to pirate Sulu or zombie Chekov. Jim, no doubt, had turned a blind eye to any rule-breaking after his yeoman appeared with decorated Halloween cupcakes. (The mighty Captain is sometimes easily lured by sugary sweets when he’s in a good mood.)

“Captain.” The First Officer turns expectantly to his commanding officer.

“Captain,” repeats the doctor in the same tone.

Both the Vulcan and pretend-Vulcan are blank-faced. Maybe that’s why Bones was so busy last week—he was perfecting his Spock look.

Kirk feels a hint of intimidation in his gut. He pays it no mind. Instead, Jim clears his throat and tells them, “Spock, you know how Bones is. Bones, tell Spock that you aren’t doing this out of maliciousness.”

“Maliciousness is illogical,” replies McCoy. Spock is still rigid with indignation.

Jim sighs. “I did not censure other crewmen for dressing up today. I’m sorry, Mr. Spock, but McCoy can keep his costume.”

Spock’s continued silence speaks volumes. When McCoy’s stoicism starts to melt into triumph, Jim hurriedly adds, “But in all fairness, Bones, you might hurt Spock’s feelings if you get too carried away. So if you are going to ‘be a Vulcan’ today, then perhaps you can let Spock give you some…tips.”

Spock slowly unclasps his hands from behind his back. “These terms are acceptable.”

Leonard sputters. “J-Jim!”

Kirk just shakes his head, holds up his hands and says, “I’m out of it now. See you both at 1900. Scotty has set up a viewing of some classic horror films.” With those words, the Captain quickly scurries to the door of the Ready Room. He needs to get down to Engineering because Scotty recently left an ominous message on his comm unit which crackled, “Capt’n, there’s been a mite o’ an incident—some lads mixed up the green streamers with one of Sulu’s sentient vines and, Capt’n, she’s taking over…”

“Doctor, we must begin by correcting your posture. Vulcans—”

“Now wait just a damn minute, you green-blooded—”

Ah, the joy of Spock and McCoy. Kirk grins to himself. He wonders if he still has that old holocam in his quarters.

Related Posts:

• Its Name is Destiny – from March 8, 2011
• Fun Comes In All Forms – from August 7, 2013
• The Skiff – from February 8, 2012
• The Unhappy Holiday – from December 21, 2011
• Sometimes Pants Are For Wearing; Sometimes Not – from August 24, 2011