Title: For the Sake of Nothing, Part 11
Author: klmeri
Fandom: Star Trek AOS
Pairing: pre-Kirk/Spock/McCoy
Summary: Spock and Leonard and the emotional aftermath.
Previous Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

Kirk had messed up badly, and the worst part was he had messed up his own plan.

It hadn’t been hard to touch Bones, to give in to the fierce need for comfort, when Bones had been gentle with him rather than smug or dismissive. If Jim liked Leonard McCoy when he was grumpy, how could he not love the man when Leonard was kind?

McCoy hadn’t even complained when Jim shoved past him into the restroom to throw up every last sugary treat he had enjoyed. Leonard had put a paper towel soaked in cold water against the back of his neck and handed him another one to wipe his mouth with a softly spoken, sympathetic “Aw, kid.”

The sickness was entirely Jim’s fault, from the very first blow he cajoled out of the enraged boyfriend to the moment his stomach revolted because he had wanted to eat a cookie and feel like he wasn’t dying. Yet, fault or not, that didn’t seem to matter to Bones, not when it came down to actions instead of words. Jim loved him so much in that moment, he was drunk with the feeling.

(And possibly a little drunk from his medication too.)

He had thanked Bones for caring about him in the only way that made sense at the time—and that was by pulling him in as close as possible and—

Jim pressed his arm to his face and tried to forget his transgression.

It was a testament, he reasoned, to Spock’s character that Spock had still decided to bring him to his personal residence and amazingly remained concerned about his health. Jim had expected different, if he was to be honest with himself. He had been prepared to forgive Spock for any slight or subtle retribution because it would have been well-deserved.

But Spock was a man like no other. He had forgotten that.

“Stupid,” he muttered. “Stupid, stupid, stupid, Jim.”

What was the quickest way to fuck up the happiest time in his life?

Easy. Steal your best friend’s crush and rub his nose in it.

Right now, Jim wanted the world to hate him as much as he hated himself. At least then he would know how to cope with his guilt.

“You have my permission to leave.”

Leonard ground his back teeth and reached for another dirty cup in the sink. “You said that five minutes ago, and five minutes before that.”

Spock’s cool voice was like ice creeping along his spine. “Yet you are still here.”

His fingers clenched around a ceramic handle. Don’t toss the mug at his head. Don’t toss the mug at his head. DON’T TOSS THE MUG AT HIS HEAD. “You implied I had a choice.”

A pause. Then the command came, as Leonard knew it would. “Please leave, Mr. McCoy.”

He thunked the mug onto the counter, not caring as water went everywhere, and turned on the man staring at him from the opposite end of the counter. “No.”

Spock’s eyes were dark already, the kind of color that seemed black at times. Leonard didn’t think it was possible for them to grow darker, and yet they did. McCoy watched Spock muster every ounce of his control and build a Great Wall of Indifference to guard his real feelings.

“When an employer gives an order,” said Spock, “it is in the best interest of the employee to obey—”

“If he wants to remain employed,” Leonard finished. “Let me stop you right there, Spock, before you say something I might have to hit you for.”

“Are you threatening me, Mr. McCoy? How unwise.”

Leonard’s temper had already been honing itself all afternoon over Spock’s silent accusation every time their eyes met. He knew this confrontation was going to end badly but could not keep himself in check. He was tired of this game.

Leonard stalked forward, saying, “You’re pissed. I get it. Now, are we going to stop dancing around in the shit and talk about why you want to slam me into the nearest wall, or should I just…” Testing the waters, he stopped within a foot of Spock, glared, and folded his arms. “…tell you what really happened between Jim and me.”

Interesting. Spock could look like a man about to lose control. But seeing something beneath that slip of emotion and recognizing it as fear, Leonard pressed on. “We’ve already had a conversation about your feelings for Jim and I said I wasn’t going to get in your way. I didn’t break that promise, Spock.”

“I do not recall a promise from you, Mr. McCoy.”

“Would you stop calling me that?” Leonard snapped. “You can damned well call me Leonard even when we’re fighting!”

“The use of your first name implies we are more than professional acquaintances—which we are not.”

Stung by that cold remark, Leonard shot back, “I never asked to be your friend. Hell, who would?”

He regretted the words the moment he said them but by then it was already too late to take them back. At last, he had broken through that damnable control of Spock’s but seeing the man’s mask crack, seeing the wound he caused, produced the worst feeling in the world.

Spock turned away. Leonard went after him.

“Wait!” He grabbed the man’s arm. “Spock, I didn’t mean—”

“You said exactly what you meant,” Spock countered. When he added, suddenly alarmingly subdued, “I would not wager you are wrong,” Leonard tightened his grip and swung in front of Spock to block an escape.

“What does that mean?” he asked sharply.

Spock stared over Leonard’s shoulder, his face once again impassive though that impassivity did not as impenetrable as before. His voice was tight. “It means, Leonard, I do not have friends. You have told me nothing I am not already aware of.” Now he met Leonard’s eyes. “I have always understood why I will never have an intimate relationship with Jim. It is because of who I am, not because of you or any decision you may or may not pursue. My anger and my… disappoint were misdirected. For that, please accept my apology.”

Leonard’s heart lodged in his throat, along with words. Of all things, Spock was this insecure? That was the craziest… “…stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the exclamation broke free in a rush. Leonard took a hold of Spock’s shoulders and tried to shake him, which was tantamount to shaking a deeply rooted tree. “Spock! You can’t possibly believe—”

But he did. There it was, every awful belief naked in the man’s eyes. And there was more pain too, because Spock didn’t understand Leonard’s outburst.

Leonard closed his eyes and searched for the right words. “Damn it,” he muttered, not finding them. He opened his eyes again. “Spock, I don’t know what to say, except that I don’t believe for a second you are… whatever the hell you think you are. Weird, annoying, emotionally stunted—”

“Leonard,” Spock said in a soft sigh.

Leonard made a pained face. “Okay, so maybe you are some of—all of—those things…but don’t you get it? That’s what makes you,” he drew in a breath and plunged ahead, because none of what Spock said was true and it would be cruel to let him continue to think along those lines, “attractive.”

Spock stared at him for a short moment then arched an eyebrow.

Leonard really, really wanted to backpedal. “What I’m saying is, you’re, oh crap—those qualities can be considered, maybe, by some to be a-a—”

“Attractive,” Spock supplied when Leonard fumbled over the word. “You are saying you find me attractive.”

Leonard’s hands spasmed on Spock’s shoulders, whereupon he realized he was still holding onto the man and immediately let go. Then he backpedaled, literally.

“Fascinating,” Spock said, following him. “Would this be an appropriate time to ask…”

“No,” Leonard said firmly. He was terrified to even consider what kind of questions Spock’s giant, clockwork brain could possibly think up. Leonard hurried back to the abandoned mug and the puddle of water that had accumulated on the floor beneath the counter. “You know what, Spock, you had a great idea. I should call it a night.”

Unnervingly close, Spock took the mug out of Leonard’s hand and offered him a hand towel in its place. Leonard knelt on the floor, grateful he didn’t have to actually make eye contact with Spock, and went to work at soaking up the puddle.

Unfortunately, now that Spock had something new to consider that meant he was immediately going to contemplate it. Out loud. “This is an unexpected development. I did not realize your feelings for me were not of a platonic nature.”

Leonard pinched the bridge of his nose.

“When did the change occur?”

Leonard grimaced and wordlessly beat at the water puddle with the towel. Spock was picky about his shoes. Water on his shoes would surely annoy him.

Except Spock did not run away or even protest as a normal person would. Instead the tall man crouched down, took the towel away from Leonard and meticulously cleaned up the remaining water (and now its radial spray across the tiles). He still talked as he worked. Leonard couldn’t believe it.

“Does your attraction to me affect your attraction to Jim?” A two-second pause ensued. “I would conjecture that it does not.”

No, definitely it does not, Leonard thought sourly. He hadn’t exactly been pushing Jim away before Spock happened upon them.

“It is, of course, not unprecedented that one individual shares a mutual affection for multiple partners.”

“Spock.”

“Some middle-eastern countries retain marriage laws that allow a man to take several wives.”

Leonard opened his mouth to tell Spock to shut up already! when he noticed, though Spock was garrulous and curious and seemingly undisturbed by Leonard’s slip-up, he was now folding the wet hand towel into a neat square, which he then folded into a smaller, neater square and so on.

A realization surprised Leonard: Spock was nervous.

McCoy dropped his head into one hand and thought, oh god, what have I done now? With his other hand, he reached out and claimed the abused towel. “Spock,” Leonard said, lifting up his head only marginally so he wasn’t muttering to the floor, “I made a mistake by saying anything.”

Spock quieted.

Leonard continued quickly, “I’m not saying I don’t find you attractive—” Oh hell, did he really just admit that? “—but I need you to know… I don’t intend to do anything about it.”

“Why?” Spock asked softly.

Leonard met his gaze then. “The reasons I gave you in Jim’s case? They apply between us too.” He hoped Spock would understand, and he also hoped his excuse wouldn’t sound as weak to Spock’s ears as it did to his.

Spock stood up and, looking down at him, challenged, “I cannot accept that as truth when I have witnessed evidence to the contrary.”

Leonard rose as well. “Now wait a minute, what do you mean ‘evidence to the contrary’?”

“You were responding to Jim’s touch, which indicates you no longer consider those reasons applicable… at least not sufficiently applicable that you should be deterred in your desire for him.”

“I responded against my better judgment—and I am paying for that!” Leonard said harshly. “You think I don’t regret it?”

A hard look came into Spock’s eyes. “Why should there be regret?”

Leonard made a noise, part triumph, part exasperation. “Right there, Spock,” he said, pointing a finger at the man’s chest, “that is the reason for regret. You. No matter how fascinating you may think my attraction to you is, it’s a fact you are in love with James Kirk.” He loosed a breath that became a shudder. “You love him so much, you risked his hate just to keep him on this earth. Don’t think I don’t know how badly it could have gone if Jim didn’t want to keep from hurting you as much as you want to keep from hurting him.”

Spock said nothing.

“I may be two kinds of a fool, Spock, but I’m not crazy enough to stand in the way of that kind of love.”

Spock took a step toward him. “Even when you know Jim is available to love you.”

“Who said his heart’s available?” Leonard questioned quietly. “I think Jim cares about you, Spock, more than he knows. You accept him, good, bad and ugly, which Jim needs.” The kid’s got more insecurities than both of us combined, McCoy didn’t add. “And if tomorrow you walked away? I’m pretty damn sure he’d come to his senses and go after you.”

Spock was silent for a long moment. Then he took a second step, one that closed the distance between them. “Your argument seems valid, Leonard, except in one respect.”

Leonard crossed his arms. Finally, this was Spock he was familiar with. “What’s that?”

“Your feelings—you did not address them.”

“Which,” Leonard replied calmly, “I never intend to address. I told you before… I’m too screwed up to commit to anyone. Let it go at that.”

“I cannot,” Spock said.

Leonard realized too late what Spock was doing.

“What did it feel like,” the man asked as he leaned in, eyes intent and hooded and, oh jesus, hypnotizing, “to kiss Jim?”

Leonard couldn’t have answered if he wanted to; words fled him the moment he recognized Spock’s intent. His heart was pounding against his ribcage, trying to escape.

“Will you show me?”

Leonard was never more wrong in his life than when he thought Spock was a nervous man. There was nothing hesitant or shy or doubting in the way Spock pressed his mouth against Leonard’s. Leonard, ever the helpless fool he often claimed he was, responded instinctively, maybe out of the loneliness he had chosen for himself. Whatever the cause of his response, as Leonard had thought during the encounter with Jim, he thought now too: there would be plenty of time to regret his recklessness later.

Later, he knew, always came too soon.

Spock pulled back, breaking their contact, and watched him closely.

Leonard’s heart plummeted as reason came swooping in to take its rightful place. He handed the towel, still clutched loosely in his fingers, to Spock, and said, “We shouldn’t do that again.” Stepping away, Leonard strode for the door, vaguely feeling disconnected from the actions of his body. He remarked with painful care, so Spock could not fail to understand him, “See you tomorrow, sir.”

Leonard went home, unmindful of how long it took him to get there or that he hadn’t stopped to pick up dinner on the way. Once he made it to his apartment door, time had faded the lingering warmth from Spock’s mouth and left him cold. Leonard welcomed the coldness and the feeling of being alone. Such familiar companions did little, however, to ease his confusion.

So instead he spent time thinking about what his father’s lawyer had told him and wondered how in the world his life had gotten better and worse at the same damn time.

And… I have a feeling we are going to need a miracle very, very soon. :/

Next Part

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