Title: A Series of Laughs – 1
Author: klmeri
Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Characters: Kirk, McCoy, Scotty, Spock
Summary: Drabble fill for trek_crackbingo prompt: “He’s dead, Jim.”

“He’s dead, Jim.”

The Captain is not paying attention to the doctor because there is a lovely orange-feathered and purple-haired female—possibly a female—making a gurgly noise of appreciation while Kirk conspicuously flexes his biceps. McCoy scowls at his superior’s back, about to repeat his declaration rather loudly, when the prone body of the ensign takes a ragged alive breath.

The injured makes a sound like hrgghhh which quickly develops into “Wah… Doctor—?”

Leonard McCoy’s fist is swift as lightning. The ensign, decked into oblivion, goes limp again.

Captain Kirk half-turns and asks “Hey, Bones. Did you say something?”

McCoy repeats as grimly as possibly, “He’s dead, Jim.”

Jim flicks a glance at the dead body (which suspiciously lolls its head) and sighs. He adopts a sad expression for the benefit of his audience—now two colorful females and a puny blue squawking man—and announces, “Ladies, I am afraid that this tragedy will cancel my plans to stay on your lovely world. Adieu!” Kirk makes a sweeping bow at the same time that he fluidly removes his communicator from his belt, flips it open and cries “Three to beam up, Scotty!”

The doctor rolls his eyes. They disappear in a glitter of particles that makes female feathers quiver with loss. The man-bird rages for some minutes.

Jim grimaces as he steps down from the transporter platform. “That was a close one.”

“Damn it, Jim! Give me a hand here. This one’s fat.”

The Captain looks pityingly at the unconscious fellow. No doubt Bones will have the poor ensign living on replicated cabbage and nutrient cubes. He grabs one ankle, McCoy has the other in hand, and together they drag the crewman into a corner to nap.

Bones pursues his lips at the whir of the tricorder, seems satisfied with the ensign’s medical readings, and tucks the instrument into a back pocket that Jim wasn’t aware regulation uniforms had. McCoy then turns to the Captain and pokes Jim in the chest. Hard.

“Don’t expect me to help you like that again.” The doctor goes on to grumble about his sore knuckles.

Kirk ignores the complaints. “As… intriguing as the pink one’s feathers were, if I’d stayed on the planet she’d have wanted to…” The Captain makes a crude gesture with his hands.

McCoy is unimpressed. “So?”

“So…? Bones! You’re the one who said that after the female copulates, she consumes her partner!”

“No, I didn’t,” drawls the man. “I said that those pretty beaks looked sharp enough to crack a man’s bones. Spock’s the one who fed you that line about the man-eating sex!”

“But Spock…” Kirk blinks. Frowns.

“Is probably laughing up the sleeve of his Vulcan robe at you. Jesus, Jim. You can’t believe everything that hobgoblin says.”

“Vulcans can’t lie,” Kirk counters weakly.

Scotty, who’d been leaning against the transporter console eavesdropping with interest, interrupts. “I’d agree with Doctor McCoy, Capt’n. Vulcans dinnae lie unless there’s a good reason.”

Jim’s confusion grows. “Why would Spock lie to me?”

McCoy sighs loudly. “Jim-boy,” the man emphasizes with a slap to Kirk’s back, “obviously you’ve never had to chase around after a Captain such as yourself. You’re a handful.”

“Aye,” the Scotsman nods. “That’d be the way of it, Sir.”

Kirk narrows his eyes and decides that he doesn’t like this turn of conversation. However, before he can find a tactful verbal escape route to shut up the two officers, the door to the transporter room slides open. Spock, hands clasped behind his back in traditional fashion, makes a quick observation of the party, including the drooling lump of a redshirt bunched up against a wall.

“Captain, welcome back. I trust that you had a satisfactory exploration of the Wrenxes’ homeworld.”

McCoy bursts out laughing, causing Jim’s unhappy expression to rapidly darken to displeased. Spock simply raises an eyebrow.

Since Jim cannot get away with not answering, he settles for saying, “It was fine, Mr. Spock.” He mutters under his breath, “Though it could have been better.”

Spock nods once, pivots and exits. Doctor McCoy is still wiping away tears of laughter. Mr. Scott gives his Captain a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

“It’s alright, Capt’n. Ye cannae be other than ye are.”

Apparently Captain James T. Kirk’s ingenious crew has learned how to deal with that little fact.

2

Related Posts:

• A Series of Laughs – 9 – from February 9, 2011
• A Series of Laughs – 8 – from January 16, 2011
• A Series of Laughs – 7 – from December 11, 2010
• A Series of Laughs – 6 – from December 10, 2010
• A Series of Laughs – 5 – from December 8, 2010