Title: Today’s Topic – Helmets! (#8, J ‘N B Series)
Author: klmeri
Fandom: Star Trek AOS
Characters: Kirk, McCoy
Summary: Comment!fic written for this pic post at jim_and_bones; Crack!fic. The Enterprise is not safety-ready. Ye be warned.
Previous Parts: Another Day, Another Dollar, and a Daily Show? | Fight the Good Fight | Don’t Touch the Rock | A Tear Worth Gold | Another Day, Another Dollar, Part 2 | Pirates Read Too | The Case of the Mondays

Someone elbows the Captain of the Enterprise sharply in his side and the man jerks awake. First he eyes the blank-faced Mr. Spock sitting on his left and then, finding nothing amiss, looks to the right at McCoy. McCoy’s facial expression is unchanged from the start of the seminar—that is, since the Captain fell asleep; the doctor appears to be concentrating deeply, arms crossed, feet planted wide, and lips firmly pressed together. He doesn’t acknowledge Kirk.

Jim, always suspicious of this pose, leans into the man’s space and begins, “Bones…”

Spock remarks, “Captain, please return your attention to the lectern.”

Jim flops unhappily in his chair. He is at a loss to decide which one of them—McCoy or Spock—had poked him back into consciousness.

His midnight readings of the Klingon Warrior Handbook on how to sleep with one’s eyes open (i.e. Chapter 4: How to Take a One-Minute Nap Between Killings) is finally paying off. He is certain he doesn’t look to be dozing (as he has recorded himself during practice); no slack jaw, no snoring, except maybe some heavier relaxed breaths. Kirk has even tried the technique on the Bridge while “staring” straight ahead from his Captain’s chair and not been found out. No one can tell the difference between his patient, alert face and his I’m-asleep-with-my-eyes-open face. It is a strategy he plans to use often to confuse his foes.

Except somebody poked him, when he was in the middle of good dream, and that makes him furious.

The Enterprise’s Safety Coordinator drones on-stage at the front of the auditorium. “I am certain we can all agree phasers are not toys, even if set to stun and your ex looks quite funny as a drooling lump on the floor. Please settle relationship disputes without the abuse of Starfleet property, people. We have on-site counselors for that sort of thing.”

Kirk notes a sheepish female face or two in the crowd when he peers in the direction of the speaker’s pointed look. Hmm, he hadn’t considered a phaser as anything other than something to save his ass with. Then again, he supposes ex’s can be the bitterest of enemies.

Jim rubs at his nose and sinks into his chair. “When’s it over?” he whine-whispers to his Vulcan officer.

The cut of Spock’s eyes is a disdainful this is why I had reservations about your promotion to a captaincy. The officer says instead, “I believe you should pay particular attention to the next topic of discussion, Captain.”

McCoy breaks his silence to agree. “He’s got a point, Jim.”

Kirk searches for the seminar itinerary and, realizing he had used it to remove the gum stuck to the bottom of his boot, asks for Spock’s. He skims the list.

Safety, the Enterprise, and You
5 minutes – Introduction: Why is Safety Important on a Starship?
15 minutes – Common Examples of Un-safe Behavior
+ Mob-Panic During Red Alert
+ Picnicking in the Airlock (That Red Button is NOT Temperature Control)
+ Relations with Carnivorous Plants, Tentacle-Burn, Gravitational Field Foreplay, etc.
+ Improper Use of Work Areas, Tools, and Standard-Issue Weapons
10 minutes – Injury Prevention and Helpful Safety Tips

The Captain frowns thoughtfully. “Work areas? Are they serious? Since when is sex on a desk a crime?”

The CMO remarks dryly, “This is why you shouldn’t doze off at meetings, kid. Remember the ice-skating rink?”

“Yeah.” Jim perks up. Then, “Say, is that going to be an annual thing? Should I invest in a pair of skates?”

“The rink was on the Observation Deck, Captain,” the First Officer points out, no doubt expecting the Captain to understand the implied issue.

Jim blinks.

McCoy rolls his eyes and adds, “‘Cause somebody disabled the deck’s heating and turned on the sprinkler system.” The doctor glances across Jim. “I thought you submitted the disturbance report, Spock.”

“Last month,” answers Mr. Spock shortly.

They look at Jim. Jim says, eyes fixed on the pamphlet, “I’ll get to it.” He thinks it might be in the stack he hid under his bed so he could prank his assigned yeoman. “Scout’s honor!”

“Scout, my sainted aunt,” grunts McCoy. Then he slaps at Jim’s leg hard, reminding him, “Hey, you’d better listen to this part, you blockhead!”

The Safety Coordinator is saying, “The committee has revised the safety gear requirements for recreational activities. Moving forward, any and all persons involved in strength training sessions, combat-related classes, and general sparring will use these helmets.” Here the man lifts a blue insignia-ed helmet above his head for everyone to see.

Jim’s mouth drops open. No way—he’s not working out in a helmet!

The Captain jumps to his feet and demands over the angry outburst along the back wall (where Security is hanging out), “Who approved this—this ridiculous thing?“

The Safety Coordinator looks surprised. “You did, sir.”

He did no such— Then the realization hits him. Jim manages to say, voice strangled, “Carry on, Lieutenant,” and sits down with haste before rounding on his evil CMO.

McCoy, it seems, is choking on laughter.

He hisses, “You said it was a petition to Starfleet Medical for more supplies. You said you would let me do that… thing to you—” Jim colors in remembrance. To his left, Spock makes a tiny, suppressed sigh of annoyance. “—if I signed the stupid form!”

“Helmets were one of the supplies,” McCoy defends, wiping at his eyes. “I just happened to argue they’d be a good idea to protect your and everybody else’s idiot noggin while in the gym and copied the Safety Committee on the missive. They took to the idea like a duck to water,” the doctor finishes proudly.

“But I had sex with you!”

“I had sex with you,” corrects the doctor, “in ways I didn’t necessarily want to have sex. I figured I ought to get some compensation out of it.”

Spock interrupts, “This is not the appropriate time or place for this conversation.”

Jim ignores him. “Why do we need helmets? I look stupid in a helmet!”

“You know what’s stupid-looking, Jim? When I have a line of busted-up ensigns in my Sickbay because you like fighting dirty on the mat.”

“I’m teaching them valuable skills,” Kirk argues.

“You’re reviving the market for gold teeth!”

“Gentlemen,” Spock tries again.

“Fine, Bones, fine! We’ll ALL wear helmets—hey, why not on the Bridge too?” he says sarcastically. “There could be a Romulan invasion any second. Or in the mess hall! I wouldn’t want to slip on a banana peel and CRACK OPEN MY HEAD!”

Neither of them realize the auditorium has been silent for some minutes and people are listening to this argument raptly. The Safety Coordinator looks to his second-in-command, the Safety Hall Monitor, and says, “Write that down. Helmets to be worn EVERYWHERE by order of Captain Kirk.”

The girl nods dutifully and scribbles it down in a handy PADD.

McCoy and Kirk have branched out to hand-slapping. Kirk is threatening to give his CMO a personal demonstration of a coma-inducing headlock. McCoy starts cracking his knuckles.

Spock stands up. “Is the seminar concluded?” he directs to the Safety Coordinator.

The man on stage, wise enough to interpret the First Officer’s tone of voice correctly, replies, “Er, yes, Mr. Spock. I think I’ve covered the important points.” He is pinned with a Vulcan stare until he adds at-large into the microphone, “Dismissed?” As people scramble out of their seats and pandemonium erupts, the poor coordinator has to remind them urgently, “Remember, fast walks, NO RUNNI—OH, somebody stop that man! Sir, that’s a speaker cable, not a rope!”

Spock calmly approaches the stage; the disorganized, disobedient crowd parts for him on instinct. Spock thanks the Safety Coordinator for his diligent efforts to improve the work conditions of the ship. When the First Officer is asked “What about Dr. McCoy and Captain Kirk?” he only blinks.

For there is no need to reply. Currently the knocking-over-chairs tussle between the two senior officers of the Enterprise has transformed into lewd groping. It is clear, even to a Vulcan, they are only in imminent danger of a raunchy public display. And some crewmen have occupied a near-by half-circle of seats to watch. One of them offers to replicate popcorn.

Two men swing by the podium on a cable, one of them hanging upside-down by a trapped foot and crying. The Safety Coordinator and Safety Hall Monitor take off in pursuit of the pair. Spock clasps his hands behind his back and uses the backdoor exit, thereby escaping the exact moment when the red alert klaxons short-circuit and the crazy-happy auditorium devolves into, as noted prior in the seminar, mob-panic.

-Fini

The Case of the Mondays, Part 2

Related Posts:

• Another Day, Another Dollar, Part 4 (#40, J ‘N B Series) (40/40) – from March 29, 2013
• The Light In Which We’re Cast (#39, J ‘N B Series) – from March 20, 2013
• Playing Life to Win (#38, J ‘N B Series) – from March 14, 2013
• An Intergalactic Fandom (#37, J ‘N B Series) – from January 15, 2013
• We Fight to Win (#36, J ‘N B Series) – from January 4, 2013