Title: We Fight to Win (#36, J ‘N B Series)
Author: klmeri
Fandom: Star Trek AOS
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Summary: Comment!fic written for this pic prompt at jim_and_bones of our favorite actors on talk shows; Leonard and Jim duke it out on television.
Previous Parts: Another Day, Another Dollar, and a Daily Show? | Fight the Good Fight | Don’t Touch the Rock | A Tear Worth Gold | Another Day, Another Dollar, Part 2 | Pirates Read Too | The Case of the Mondays | Today’s Topic -Helmets! | The Case of the Mondays, Part 2 | Marked | Awesome Ideas Come from Awesome Brains | In the Keeping of a Spirit | The Case of the Mondays, Part 3 | The Case of the Mondays, Part 4 | The Case of the Mondays, Part 5 | Forewarned is Forearmed | The Case of the Mondays, Part 6 | The Case of the Mondays, Part 7 | The Case of the Mondays, Part 8 | The Case of the Mondays, Part 9 | Serenade | Another Day, Another Dollar, Part 3 | Tied to You | The Amateur Pigeon-Catcher | The Amateur Pigeon-Catcher, Part 2 | The Art of Beginnings | The Amateur Pigeon-Catcher, Part 3 | Two Birds of a Feather | The Beautiful Bay | The Man in the Shed | Bad Business | A Fortunate Friend | Blind to Love | The Westerner | A Plot Above All Others

“Are you serious?” a smartly dressed actress at Leonard’s elbow exclaims.

“Deadly,” McCoy quips, amusement dancing in his eyes. “In fact,” here he looks out over the audience, “I believe we have a clip to back up that little tidbit. Pavel, can you play that for us?”

The audience cheers loudly. Nearby, a young man with short curly hair pokes his head around the set of the television show’s stage and gives McCoy an eager nod and a thumbs-up. Behind Leonard, a screen lights up with a picture of downtown Manhattan. A familiar face comes on screen; the man is wearing a jogging suit and a large pair of sunglasses. The audience goes wild as the video begins to play.

Leonard’s guest is as enraptured by the footage as everyone else. Leonard smiles to himself and gives the camera a very smug look.

Jim is whistling when he arrives at work that afternoon, but his whistling dies abruptly when he spies his newest group of interns huddling in a corner of the studio. A dark-haired man appears at Jim’s side like an apparition and hands him a coffee cup.

“We need to review the script for tonight’s show,” Spock tells Jim.

“What are they whispering about?”

Spock doesn’t answer. Jim realizes in that moment the interns aren’t whispering—they’re laughing. Immediately he shoulders his way in that direction, ignoring Spock’s sharp “Jim, the script.”

“Can wait!” he tosses back. “Hello,” he greets his interns, who stiffen and go suddenly silent at the sound of his silky tone. One of them tries to hide a tablet behind his back. “How is everyone this morning?”

They begin talking at once, stop, look at one another, and then try to scatter. Jim is known to be quick on his feet and in the next second he has caught the one with tablet by the back of his red shirt.

“M-Mr. K-Kirk,” the poor kid stammers out.

“Hello, Riley.”

Kevin Riley’s eyes roll wildly in every direction but no one comes to his rescue. “Uh, hello? And good morning!” he adds as a too-cheery afterthought.

“Show it to me,” Jim demands, holding out his free hand.

“No, sir, no, you don’t want—”

“Oh, I want,” he cuts in ominously. “Now, Riley.”

Kevin presents his tablet and closes his eyes. Jim lets Riley go and rewinds the youtube video. He watches as he appears on his morning jog and—oh shit, this is not the day he got chased through the park by somebody’s rabid dog.

But it is. Complete with an embarrassing Keystone Cops soundtrack, Jim sees himself running in circles around a tree, trying to trick the dog. Then he sprints for the bridge only to almost collide with a couple and their baby carriage. He trips out of the way just in time but hits the edge of the bridge and—

Jim pinches the bridge of his nose. He’d thrown that suit out. The stench of pond water had been horrific. On the tablet screen, as Jim slogs his way out of the park’s pond, the dog is barking wildly at the water’s edge. The owner finally catches up to the dog and leashes it. He appears to be apologizing profusely to Kirk.

Kevin makes a noise and shoves a fist against his mouth to cover it up. Jim glares at him, handing the tablet back. “It’s not funny.”

Kevin is too stupid to live apparently. “But it’s a terrier, sir!” He cups his hands together. “So small! That’s what’s so funny about—” Riley shuts up.

Jim turns away. He’s going to sue the person who filmed that!

“Uh,” the intern says, eyeing Jim’s thunderous expression, “can I go now?”

Jim waves him away.

Riley starts to edge toward a side table, but pauses to ask, “Are you—you aren’t going to do anything, sir?”

“What can I do?” he retorts, already planning to bombard the administrators of youtube with threats of lawsuits if they don’t take that video down.

“It’s just, I mean, usually you do something back when, um, never mind, Mr. Spock is glaring, er, I think I’m about to get fired…” Kevin trails off.

Jim stills, hardly daring to breathe. Then he comes alive again, whirls on Riley, disbelief etched on his face. “McCoy?” He snatches the tablet back before Kevin can move and skims the comments. “Fuck,” he says, “McCoy did this?“

The tablet is taken out of his hands by the studio manager, namely his closest friend Spock. Jim looks at Spock, jaw ticking. “Where’s that script?”

“Jim…” The manager looks grim.

“The script,” Jim says darkly. “The script can be changed. Riley!”

Kevin’s eyes widen.

“Find me something on McCoy, something… heinous.” Kirk smiles, and Kevin looks like he might wet his pants. “Give it to Sulu by airing time. He’ll take care of the rest.”

“Yes, sir.”

“The producers are not happy,” Spock tells Jim once Riley is gone.

“I don’t care.”

“Jim, one day this… war will go too far.”

“When the viewer ratings start to drop, I’ll stop.” Jim knows that will never happen. America loves this rivalry between the two most popular late-night show hosts. No, he’s not backing down until Leonard McCoy does. Until the man begs and grovels for Jim to stop.

Reaching out, he clasps a hand on Spock’s shoulder. “Let’s look at that script now. I’ll only need a three-minute slot for my revenge.”

Though Spock appears pained, he replies, “I anticipated as much last night once McCoy aired the clip.”

That gives Jim pause. It’s with slight jealousy that he says, “You watch his show?”

“Someone must,” Spock’s tone is dry, “for research purposes. McCoy has been in the lead for the last sixteen days.”

Jim isn’t certain if he should believe the man’s explanation, but he knows in his heart that Spock is too loyal to betray him. Kirk’s mood improves as he imagines all of the possibilities tonight might bring. “Bones is about to feel the pain of defeat. We’ll be in first place by the end of the night, mark my words, Spock!”

“I have no doubt you can accomplish this if you set your mind to it, Jim.”

“Excellent,” Jim remarks good-naturedly. “You know I couldn’t pull this show off without you.”

“Indeed. That is why my salary is higher than yours.”

“Wait, what?”

“Sir,” Leonard’s assistant says, “I have some news.”

“What is it?” Leonard asks, then in the same breath snaps at the stylist, “You are not putting that stuff in my hair!”

Uhura narrows her eyes at him. “Len, if I don’t use gel, you’re going to have a cowlick the size of Montana.”

“I’m not Kirk. I don’t make money based on my looks,” McCoy bitches but folds his arms and allows her to proceed with fixing his hair.

“Don’t kid yourself,” his hair stylist/make-up artist/all-around-person-who-makes-him-look-decent-on-camera counters. “Half of your audience is waiting for you to drop a pen so they can watch you bend over.”

“Oh my god,” he says, feeling his face grow hot. “Please don’t tell me that. I like to live in ignorance.” Then he remembers his assistant. “What’s the news, Pavel?”

“Mr. Kirk is planning revenge, sir.”

Leonard thumps his fist against the chair arm and grins. “I knew it! Well?” he prompts impatiently.

Pavel shares the grin. “I planted ze decoy as instructed.”

“Good job, kid.”

The young man beams. “Thank you!”

“How’d you do it?”

Color rises in Pavel’s face. ” I know one of his staff.”

Leonard is impressed. “You have an inside man? Damn, Pavel, I’d never take you for the deceitful type.”

“There is no deceit!” Chekov assures him hurriedly. “I only talk to Hikaru sometimes. It was an intern who came to me. He practically begged for something to make you look bad.”

“I see.” Leonard practices his smug look in the mirror. Uhura huffs and grabs his chin to hold his head still while she sprays his hair. “And you gave it to him, the poor fool. Make sure you record Kirk’s show for me. I want to watch his face when we hack into his system and put that park vid on a loop. Damn, but that made my week! Jim screams like a girl.” He chuckles deeply.

When Chekov has left to finish preparing the set for that night’s show and check in with their live guest, Uhura puts down the blow-dryer. “You know you have a problem, Leonard, don’t you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replies indignantly.

“Making fun of somebody on tv is not the best way to flirt with him.”

Leonard sputters. “F-Flirt?! I’m not flirting.”

“Yes, you are. And you suck at it.”

“Fuck you, Nyota. Jim is the one who flirts, and badly too! What kind of nickname is Bones? People freakin’ blog about me as Bones, thanks to him!” He jerks at the collar of his dress shirt in agitation.

“Whatever,” his friend scoffs. “Stop scowling. It creases the foundation.” She continues her work in silence, leaving Leonard to fume at his reflection.

“Some people have joked that we’re flirting,” an elegantly dressed McCoy tells a news reporter three weeks later when she catches him at an awards ceremony and asks about his longstanding rivalry with James Kirk. Leonard smiles at the camera. “But we’re just two guys poking fun at each other. Neither of us takes it seriously.”

“Really?” the news reporter replies, sounding sly. “Then do you deny any knowledge of that photo Mr. Kirk released of the two of you together…” She pauses. “…in what appears to be an intimate embrace at Donald Trump’s New Year’s Eve Party? Jim said to the press, and I quote,” she reads from her notepad, “‘Does this count as a kiss-and-tell?“

Leonard’s mouth drops open. Somewhere in the crowd of onlookers, Pavel’s eyes go wide and he whispers to Sulu, “Please do not tell him I took that picture! I was drunk! Oh, no, this is terrible—how did Mr. Kirk find it?”

On camera, McCoy explodes. “JIM! YOU SON OF A BITCH, I WILL GET YOU!”

“And the rivalry continues,” the red-headed news reporter tells her viewers at home. “…Or should I say the love affair? This is Gaila, always bringing you the latest celebrity gossip straight from the stars themselves. Oh, and who else do I spy on the red carpet tonight? It’s Hollywood’s favorite silver fox—Mr. Christopher Pike.” She motions for the camera man to follow her. At her back, Leonard is still ranting like a crazed man. “Oh, Chris! Chris, don’t you look stunning! I’ll only need a moment of your time…”

-Fini

An Intergalactic Fandom

Related Posts:

• Another Day, Another Dollar, Part 4 (#40, J ‘N B Series) (40/40) – from March 29, 2013
• The Light In Which We’re Cast (#39, J ‘N B Series) – from March 20, 2013
• Playing Life to Win (#38, J ‘N B Series) – from March 14, 2013
• An Intergalactic Fandom (#37, J ‘N B Series) – from January 15, 2013
• A Plot Above All Others (#35, J ‘N B Series) – from September 13, 2012