14Title: Forget Me Not (10/10)
Author: klmeri
Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Pairing: Kirk/Spock/McCoy
Summary: When Jim spends time with his First Officer and CMO, he seems sad. Neither Spock nor McCoy can figure out why.
Previous Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9
Or read at AO3
Part Nine and the epilogue have been posted at the same time. Please read Part Nine first if you have not!
We left the Datarius system with little mishap. Although the ship’s computer assures me there is nothing amiss with the Enterprise—as has Commander Spock—and crew morale seems undiminished, I could not help but feel as if something has changed. That I have changed. It is a peculiar feeling: not the kind of red alert at the back of my neck I can readily recognize, and not quite a sense of loss—for if I have lost something, I do not know what it is.
My Chief Medical Officer has warned me not to look for trouble where there is none. In this, I suppose I must bow to his wisdom. We have returned from an exploration of the unknown and, once again, survived. That is all a captain could hope for.
Orders from Starfleet Command reached us almost immediately upon re-entry into the familiar reaches of space. Our new mission is to proceed to Sierra VI, a recently colonized Federation outpost along the Neutral Zone, to rendezvous with the Galantia. There is a high possibility of a skirmish with Romulans and the Enterprise, alongside her sister-ship, must do what she can to prevent war.
It is never a pleasure placing my crew at the forefront of battle but today, oddly, I find myself ready and willing to fight. Whether or not this feeling stems from our seemingly endless weeks of roaming unchallenged through uncharted territory I do not know.
But fight I will and gladly, standing ready at the helm of the ship, my most trusted officers at my side.
Captain’s Log, James T. Kirk
Jim cannot find his ring. Normally a warm presence against the skin of his chest, he notices it missing upon his groggy awakening. A long search of the cabin and his effects proves fruitless. The absence of it puzzles him through his morning routine but there are duties to attend and, more importantly, a breakfast date not to be late to.
“Morning,” he murmurs, taking a seat between McCoy and Spock and casting a honeyed smile between them. Leonard looks like he woke up on the wrong side of the bed, face set into grumpy, sleepy lines.
Come to think of it, why had Bones stayed the night in his own quarters? Jim frowns briefly but the troubled feeling fades, and he reaches for a spoon beside his bowl of oatmeal. He grimaces at his first taste.
“There’s something wrong with the replicators,” he complains. “Cinnamon oatmeal isn’t supposed to taste like cardboard.”
Leonard grunts an unintelligible reply and takes a healthy swallow of coffee.
Spock is always the more efficient of the three of them in the morning (of which he must be extremely proud, Vulcan or not, Jim believes). Today, Jim is grateful for that efficiency when Spock produces a small plate of sugar cubes for Jim to put into his food. There’s something to be said for partners who know what Jim likes.
That wakes McCoy up, who snatches away the plate of sugar like the food police he is.
“Jim’s on a diet.”
“I’m not,” Jim insists, stealing a cube and dropping it into his oatmeal before Bones can catch him. He eyes another cube but decides it isn’t worth the finger it will cost him. He smirks, wondering if he should make a comment about what a biter Bones can be when riled.
Leonard, as if sensing the turn of Jim’s thoughts, deliberately knocks his shoulder into Jim’s and grins crookedly. “Think about the long hours ahead of you on the Bridge, Jim, while sufferin’ from all that indigestion.”
Why don’t you give me something else to consider while I’m up there? he shoots back mischievously but to his surprise, Leonard doesn’t respond.
“Well, give it to ‘im, Spock,” McCoy is saying over Jim’s shoulder instead.
Jim refocuses his attention to the man on his opposite side. He drops his spoon when he sees what Spock is holding.
“Where did you get that?” Jim asks, taking the gold band and chain from the Vulcan.
Spock quirks an eyebrow. “It was in my possession.”
“Sometimes I think you’d lose your head, Jim, it wasn’t attached,” Leonard jokes, mostly so Jim will know it isn’t offending to either Spock or McCoy that he somehow lost his wedding ring. But then Leonard holds up his left hand contemplatively and frowns at his own ring. “Maybe I should say the same of myself. Found mine in my sock drawer this morning.”
“That is odd,” Jim comments, feeling better once the chain is over his head and the ring is resting just beneath his shirt. He releases a breath and picks up his spoon to resume eating his oatmeal. “Bones, I know we just came off a lackluster assignment at the backend of space, but how long until we’re due for shore leave?”
Leonard rubs a finger against his bottom lip as he thinks. “I could probably advise Command we need one. It’s not like we take ’em as frequently as some of the other ships.”
“Good,” Jim says, nodding to himself. The back of his head aches inexplicably, which is as strange as the way his body feels so weary, reminiscent of the times he’s been running on nothing but stimulants for days. “I feel like we need the break.”
“Ditto,” echoes the doctor.
After he is halfway through his bowl, Jim becomes aware of how intently Spock is focused on him, though the Vulcan does not look directly at him. It’s like an itch in his mind. He glances at his companion. “Something wrong?”
But Spock’s gaze skips over him to McCoy.
“Jim,” Leonard tells him slowly, “you’re kinda distant.”
Jim puts down his spoon, troubled again. “Explain.”
Leonard does a quick tap to his forehead and emphasizes, “You’re distant. Are you feeling all right?”
Jim shrugs, stops. “Tired.” At Bones’s assessing look, he admits, “Exhausted.” Which makes no sense. “Maybe I’m coming down with something.”
“Hmm. Okay, well, stop by Sickbay and I’ll look you over.”
Jim groans. “Can’t I just sleep, Bones?”
“Nope,” McCoy says unsympathetically. Then he stands, cradling his coffee and looking resigned. “Speaking of, I have an appointment I’d better get to.”
Jim watches an odd look pass over Leonard’s face, but Bones just blinks afterwards, shaking his head, and walks away.
“What was that?” Jim asks Spock, feeling an inkling of concern that he hadn’t caught at least a passing sensation of what McCoy felt in that moment.
“I believe the doctor refers to it as déjà-vu, Captain.” Spock stares at him a second too long. The question, when it comes, is said quietly enough to be kept between them. “Do you… feel different, Jim?”
“Define different,” he responds with a faint smile, suppressing a wince when the lighting in the Officers’ Mess seems to aggravate the headache and cause it to spread to his temples.
“I request permission to test the state of the bond.”
Jim is surprised not by the forthrightness of the request but by its formality. “Permission granted. When… now?”
“Unfortunately, now we must proceed to the Bridge for duty. I will come by your quarters after beta shift, if this is acceptable.”
Spock is welcome in his quarters any time. It’s their quarters, practically. Nonetheless Jim agrees. “Sure, Spock.”
Spock dips his head in a slight nod and rises from the table, collecting his tray as he goes. Jim rubs at a temple absently before picking up his tray and following his Vulcan First Officer.
The troubled feeling subsides as he transverses the corridors to the nearest turbolift. Jim doesn’t allow himself to worry about the feeling beyond a moment’s thought. Because what could possibly be wrong when he has his ship, his crew, and most importantly, Spock and McCoy—his friends, his lovers who he hopes will remain his partners for life—so close to him?
The End
Author’s Note
“Forget,” said Spock in Requiem for Methuselah as he mind-melded with a sleeping Kirk to coax his mind to do exactly that and forget his heartbreak. I was always struck by this scene, both for good and bad reasons.
So I will leave you with this one question:
Is it better to forget, or to remember?
Related Posts:
- Forget Me Not (9/10) – from April 1, 2013
- Forget Me Not (8/10) – from March 18, 2013
- Forget Me Not (7/?) – from March 12, 2013
- Forget Me Not (6/?) – from March 6, 2013
- Forget Me Not (5/?) – from March 1, 2013
As usual, you have written a most provocative story. I have read it several times now, and have picked up new thoughts each time. I have a few questions. I understand the logic behind Spock and Bone’s actions. Furthermore, I understand, though deplore, what these beings were attempting to achieve with their experiment. What I am missing here is the aftermath of the actions of all those involved. Is it important that it was Spock that fired the phaser-thus it is Bones that is experiencing deja vu? I don’t exactly get what is going on here..the bond is weak or broken..but all three are aware of their relationship. They have the rings and know that they are married. Although, it is Jim and Bones that are unaware of how it came to be that they were not on their fingers. Is this the forgetting part? Jim has a “buzzing in his head” but has no recollection of the last weeks. Spock seems to be aware of the events because he recognizes Bone’s deja vu, Bones is aware that he and Jim no longer seem bonded-“distant”. Umm…I am circling the “keys” to this whole situation but can’t seem to quite grasp what is going on here…HELP..
Okay, one thing I will go back and clarify… Spock nerve-pinched Jim. Also, Spock and Leonard do not remember either, hence why McCoy couldn’t remember he put the ring in his drawer, and Spock isn’t certain why the bond is not “right” with Jim. Sorry, let me add that the ending is sort of a play on what Spock did to Jim in the Requiem episode. They went through all that suffering… only to not remember it at the end because the beings have let them go. Is it a good or bad thing they don’t remember? That’s up to you.
Oh..I see. I guess I thought Spock and Bones remembered because in his log Jim says Bones told him to not to go looking for trouble. I took that to mean Bones didn’t want him thinking too much about certain things. Um..I know that Spock and Bones concerns are for Jim. The beings say that Jim will awaken and learn that his mates intend to leave him…when Spock tests the strength of their bond and discovers it is gone..is where Jim feels like they are going to leave him? If he was supposed to know that they were leaving him, then how come he didn’t know this upon awakening? I am trying to wrap my mind around all this..thanks for the imput..
No problem. Basically, Leonard and Spock realize that the one thing they have never done is actually leave Jim. So they do that. Apparently this is the kind of behavior the creatures were actually shooting for… and that means the end of the experiment. Jim, poor poor Jim, who was never the focus of the experiment at all despite how it seemed, is at least lucky enough not to see what Spock and McCoy chose to do. The creature erases everything before Kirk awakens – not that it would have mattered, it was just something the creature felt he should do to help Kirk a little. Makes me wonder if the creature felt some kind of guilt at the end. Anyway, I digress. The Enterprise is put back into its normal space-time continuum, so to speak, as if the nineteen months of torture for Jim never happened. But there are, of course, lingering effects but no one will know where they came from. :) Does that help?
Oh, I figured out a simple way to explanation this, hora_tio! It really came down to one vital decision: did I want to drive Jim all the way over the edge, or settle for keeping him unaware he is broken? I opted for the latter. ;)
I concur…
Thank you so much for asking questions! I was able to go back and clear up a few things that I hope will make the understanding easier. Suffice to say, I know what I’m imagining is happening but finding the right way to convey that to an audience is always tough. I hope the ending wasn’t too unhappy.
Ah, good ending. I liked chapter nine – poor Bones’ heart was breaking and you wrote it so I could see every crack. The epilogue, though, interesting. I was wondering how they’d reset the situation – I thought perhaps they might regain the memories of all the thirty-four attempts, but this does fit better, really. I don’t like it that they don’t know what happened, though, and will the sense of something being not quite right drive them batty over time? It’s not really a reset and everything’s fine, I’m worried for their mental health! And those evil little alien motherfuckers remind me of Terry Pratchett’s Auditors – meddling and utterly lacking in conscience. Great story!
Absolutely your concern is valid! I kind of equate the epilogue to showcasing trauma patients who develop amensia and don’t remember the trauma, except perhaps in their nightmares and physiological responses. There is residue left over, the most important of which is the damaged bond Jim, Spock, and McCoy are only beginning to realize exists. And at the end, I wanted to leave it up to the reader to determine how deeply their future together will be affected by what happened. In pushing Spock and Leonard to see how much it would take to make them “walk away” from Jim, will this change the creatures wanted to instill come back to haunt the trio? Is the act of erasing of someone’s memories, even if done with the intention of removing harm, a violation of basic rights? If so, how does that address what Spock did in the TOS episode Requiem for Methuselah? I truly appreciate that you have followed this story! I can’t thank you enough!
Best thing I’ve read in awhile. Your writing always sucks me in! <3 I'm glad for a happy ending, even if it did take dragging Jim through the mud to get there.
:) Thank you very, very much for taking time to read this! Yes, I figured there had be some kind of happy ending – because the other kind of ending probably meant Jim would lose his mind altogether. :/ That said, poor Jim. I know I did wrong by him. I hope in time he will forgive me!
This definitely one of the best fics I’ve read about theese three. I really enjoyed reading it and I was in tears in several parts of it, but really I absolutely loved it and I’m definitely bookmarking it and saving it on a document for my personal library :) Also, I do hope that their link it’s not broken beyond repair and maybe they’ll become at least vaguely aware of everything they went through (and reinforce their bond and become even more over protective around each other!
[a girl can dream]) ;u; Thank you for such a good read.You are very welcome, and thank you for reading my story! I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment. :) Personally, I get in the mood for this kind of angst once and a while. I don’t feel as guilty as I should probably because in the end at least they’re together, memory or no.
Me too! But I cannot handle angst without a happy ending :’D I get too devastated, but this fic was just in the right mix ?