Title: What We Feel (5/?)
Author: klmeri
Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Pairing: pre-Kirk/Spock/McCoy
Summary: Spock asks Jim and Leonard to consider their future together.
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Part Five

Leonard thinks that he should be nervous, waiting for Jim. He circles the room, pausing only by the entrance to his small bedroom to glance around it as if seeking something. But that is a ridiculous notion, because there is nothing which Leonard needs for a conversation about romance.

He grimaces.

Romance—not a word the man ever thought he would say again in regards to himself.

But isn’t that what this is about?

He has a deep friendship with both Jim and Spock. Now Spock is asking for more, for a new element that has the potential to change the nature of how they respond to one another.

Again, he admits that he is afraid to make that leap.

Romantic love isn’t necessarily a whole other level of emotion; it can be a new facet to an already established bond. Sometimes it happens naturally between two people, a progression where, once the choice is made, the line blurs and it just fits; other times, romantic love comes first.

Leonard is aware that he, Jim, and Spock fall into the former category.

Again, he asks himself: Is this the right path for them? If they come to a dead end, further down that path, will they be able to turn back, or simply be stuck?

He doesn’t want to lose either person, because the truth of the matter is simple: Leonard loves James Tiberius Kirk and Spock of Vulcan. He imagines not having them in his life (even if only to trade arguments or share a drink) and that hurts him beyond reason.

As a light tap sounds on the door to his quarters, McCoy turns, thinking that perhaps he and Jim shall be able to figure out where best to go from here.

He admits his friend into the room. For a moment, they stand awkwardly facing one another and without words. Then Leonard sighs, says, “Do we need to be drunk to discuss this?”

Kirk’s mouth quirks. “If we get drunk, there is a strong possibility we won’t talk at all.”

“I know.” Crossing his arms, not being able to help the defensive gesture, Leonard shifts on his feet. “Damn if I don’t feel like a young man wallowing the day after a first date—will she call, or will she not?” He snorts, “I’m too old for this.”

Jim laughs. “I’ve said that a few times to myself already, Bones.”

He swallows. “Does that mean… you’re having doubts?”

He feels inexplicably relieved when Jim shakes his head.

“It’s not about doubts,” James Kirk tells him heavily. “What we have, Bones, you and I and Spock… it’s great. Could it be better?” He shrugs. “I like to think so. Maybe this is a way to make it better. That’s not what… holds me back.” He glances at Leonard, an almost uncertain look in his eyes that surprises the doctor. Jim is rarely uncertain about what he wants.

“What’s holdin’ you back then?” McCoy tries to ask in a gentle voice. He wants to help Jim; always a first instinct Leonard cannot deny.

That sets Jim to pacing. “I’m Captain” is said, as if the blunt confession explains everything.

Leonard lifts an eyebrow and drawls, “I’m forty-five. Anything else you want to share?”

Jim’s look is part amusement and part exasperation. “Bones, that’s not what I meant.”

“Well clarify what you’re trying to say—and remember, us older folks need it plain.”

That brings a laugh out of Jim. “You, Leonard McCoy, may be ‘an old country doctor’ but you are still a sneaky man. Fine. Here it is.” He turns to face McCoy directly, rather than speaking off to the side. Ready to stand up to his troubles, Jim always is. Leonard admires him for that. “I’m the commanding officer, Bones, and there are times when duty comes first. It could drive us apart; it probably will in some way or another, some day.”

“You aren’t saying anything I or Spock don’t already know, Jim. I wouldn’t ask you to put aside duty for us.” He steps in closer to the man, tries to choose his words carefully. “I’ve seen the way you skirt around an actual commitment to someone who wants more, even when it’s obvious that you love that person—and I understand. Your job, Jim, it ain’t easy, and it won’t ever be easy. But you have to at least realize that when someone chooses to stay close to you, he or she will know the risk that comes along with loving Captain Kirk.” He takes Jim’s hand in his own, holding onto Jim as a way to reaffirm what he is saying. “I’d like to think, Jim, that if this does end some day, it won’t be any fault of ours—and especially not yours, because of who you are.”

Jim’s gentle tug wants Leonard to close the distance between them. He trusts Jim, so he does. Kirk asks him softly, “Does this mean that we are going to try, Bones?”

The answer is there, and it doesn’t take much effort to voice. “Yeah. Why not?”

Jim holds McCoy’s gaze. “I thought this would be strange. Why is it not strange?”

His shoulders rise and fall in a tiny shrug. Then he realizes, “Maybe it’s something we both need—and we trust in each other enough that asking isn’t gonna break what we already have.”

Jim has an expression he only gets when he is ready to step into battle. Leonard’s heart reacts by thumping a little more loudly in his chest.

“Bones,” Leonard hears, “can you try to love me?”

“Ain’t no tryin’ about it, Jim. I already do.”

It’s not such a terrible thing, he decides, as Jim leans in to brush their mouths together. When Kirk pulls back, Leonard blinks at the smiling man.

“So?” Jim wants to know.

Leonard shakes his head, says drolly, “Who’s going to teach the hobgoblin how to kiss? You think his daddy explained that bit in their talk about the birds and the bees?”

Jim’s kiss is sounder this time, which Leonard discovers that he likes. Then they step apart.

Jim remarks as he pulls out a bottle of Leonard’s favorite bourbon, “We’ll probably have to explain many things to Spock.” Pausing to fish out two glasses from a drawer in a desk and fill them (Leonard rolls his eyes because Jim seems to know McCoy’s quarters better than the doctor himself does), Jim picks up the conversation again. “I know that you’re giving the go-ahead, Bones, but Spock startled you… and you haven’t come to me about it before now.”

“In all fairness,” he says as he accepts his drink, “you haven’t exactly beaten down my door either.”

“Yes,” agrees Kirk, “but I told you why. Can you tell me?”

Lord, what is it with people and trying to get Leonard to talk? He thinks that he talks plenty. Spock would probably attest to that fact.

But Jim pins him with those knowing eyes, and Leonard finds himself helpless to deny the man anything. “It’s just me, Jim; I’ve got baggage like everybody else.” He takes a moment to savor the burn of liquor down his throat, warming his belly. “This all just… pokes a little too near to my sore spots.”

Jim nods, glancing away. “I think of what I had with Carol, of our last conversation before I left. I can still hear her. ‘You want the stars too badly, Jim. You can’t stay, because it will tear you apart—and me with you.'” He looks at Leonard then. “She thought a clean break would be best; so I agreed. I understand, I do. You were in love with Joanna’s mother for a long time.”

Even if Jim doesn’t realize it, it helps that he doesn’t refer to Jocelyn by her first name. “Eleven years. Not long for some, but long enough for me. I loved her even after we split up, until the day she remarried. That’s when I realized she had moved on and I wasn’t doing myself any favors by clinging to what didn’t exist anymore.” He doesn’t like to talk about this, not at all.

Perhaps Jim senses that, because his friend—now something more—runs a hand down his arm in sympathy. The man simply says, “I’m sorry, Bones.”

They both know that they can’t promise not to break each other’s hearts.

Leonard drains the rest of his glass and then taps the side of it with his forefinger. “One more, for my nerves’ sake, and then let’s go find Spock.”

“Agreed.”

~~~
before…

“Damn you both! Why didn’t you tell me?”

McCoy is alone, muttering under his breath and treating the medical instruments in Sickbay with more force than care. Serves Jim right if Leonard tosses a bunch of requisition forms in the fool’s lap for equipment replacements.

That small revenge is pointless, doesn’t address the real issue at hand.

Leonard is hurt.

Jim and Spock used him.

They needed him to be convincing, and nothing is more convincing that an honest reaction. So the Romulans were fooled, the cloaking device stolen, and Doctor McCoy was lucky enough to deny that Jim was dead with every fiber of his being, to keep searching for a way to bring Jim back.

And it was possible. Barely. He shudders to think of what might have happened had the monitors not indicated Jim’s quiet brain activity. It had been a struggle, a terrible scare, but Leonard managed to revive the captain.

Jim had woken up and blithely ignored the fact that Leonard was furious, only to ask for a set of pointed ears!

M’Benga walks by, plucks an abused tricorder out of McCoy’s hands and says, “Why don’t you relax in your quarters for the rest of this shift? We’ll call you if you’re needed.”

By the look in Geoff’s eyes, Leonard won’t be given much of a choice. It is his colleague’s way of saying cool off and stop rough-handling our stuff.

He locks himself in his office instead.

Leonard doesn’t bother to drink; he crosses his arms and spears a wall with an angry glare.

A quarter of an hour later, there is a knock on his door. McCoy refuses to move or speak, only the ticking of his jaw a sign that he is absolutely aware of the person trying to barge into his office.

Well, he won’t be pleasant company. They’ll go away.

Instead of going away, that fool on the other side of the door overrides his commands and steps into his office.

Spock.

Leonard’s nostrils flare at the sight of the Vulcan. The tidal wave of anger in him crests. Because McCoy is a fair man, he warns, “You don’t want to see me right now, Mr. Spock.”

“You are angry.”

“Hell yes!” he responds, a fist thumping on his desk. Leonard is out of his chair in a heartbeat, standing so close to Spock that he can smell the lingering scent of the Vulcan’s favorite incense. The doctor says, words bitten out, “You played a dangerous game. Be damned grateful that you and your Captain won.”

The Vulcan’s silence stretches for a long minute.

Since Spock refuses to provide an outlet, McCoy pushes past him with the intention of walking away—before he does something regretful, like punching Spock. A firm hand grabs his upper arm, prevents Leonard from leaving.

“Let go,” he says through gritted teeth.

“You are angry,” the Vulcan says slowly, “because of the risk involved. That is illogical, Doctor, as we encounter factors of risk on each mission that we undertake.”

Most missions don’t happen because Jim decides to volunteer his ship for a game of sabotage, and all for a weapon of war. Leonard feels ill about the whole business, not just angry.

“That’s not why I’m—oh, damn it, let go of my arm, Spock!”

“I will release you if you agree to explain why you are experiencing pain.”

That’s when Leonard realizes that Spock’s hand is touching his skin just below where his short sleeve ends. The Vulcan is actively tasting the currents of his emotions.

He gives a short nod, knowing full well that Spock has backed him into a proverbial corner and won’t let him out until the Vulcan is satisfied. His arm is dropped back to his side. Spock doesn’t seem to appreciate his stubborn silence thereafter. The Vulcan casually turns to the door and engages its lock again, except that Leonard is fairly certain Spock has just overridden the usual commands with a security clearance that the doctor can’t access.

Then Spock faces him fully, hands clasped behind his back. “Explain.”

Leonard paces to the other side of the room, for distance and breathing space. For a chance to calm down. “You don’t trust me,” he says roughly, back turned to the First Officer.

“Negative.”

Spinning around, he can’t help but shout, “You decided it was better to use me, like… like I’m a tool and not a person! You know what, Spock?” are his bitter words. “I matter. So you don’t get to hurt me that way and just expect me to forgive you afterward.”

“I do not expect to be forgiven, Leonard,” he is told gravely, “but I do wish for your forgiveness. As does Jim.”

He knows that they do, but right now Leonard doesn’t feel capable of it. He lets his silence speak for itself.

Spock bows his head for a span of three seconds before turning around and disengaging the lock.

Leonard swallows, anger still riding him, but a small part of him whispers don’t let it end like this. “Spock.”

The Vulcan stills, listening.

“I’ll come to you when I’m ready.”

“Understood,” replies his friend softly. Then, still paused in the doorway, Spock adds, “You do matter, Leonard, more than I am able to express.”

McCoy is left alone again. He sits back down, closes his eyes, and works on overcoming the pain eating at him, that pain Spock had felt—and known he had caused.

Footnotes:
1. Carol – Carol Marcus, whom Jim had a relationship with at the beginning of his Starfleet career and with whom he had a son, David.
2. Second scene is a fictional extension of the episode The Enterprise Incident.

Because I feel a bit guilty, knowing what comes next, I wish to warn y’all that set-backs are to follow shortly. Hope you’ve enjoyed this much of the fic!

Next Part

Related Posts:

• What We Feel (12/12) – from April 2, 2011
• What We Feel (11/12) – from April 2, 2011
• What We Feel (10/12) – from March 28, 2011
• What We Feel (9/?) – from March 26, 2011
• What We Feel (8/?) – from March 23, 2011