Title: What We Feel (6/?)
Author: klmeri
Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Pairing: pre-Kirk/Spock/McCoy
Summary: Spock asks Jim and Leonard to consider their future together.
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Buckled in?

Part Six

“Lieutenant, can you locate Mr. Spock?

Uhura’s voice filters from the wall comm unit. “I routed a personal communication to Mr. Spock’s quarters which the computer shows he received. Is Spock not there, Captain?”

“Not in his labs either,” mutters McCoy, meeting Jim’s eyes.

“Thank you, Uhura. Kirk, out.” The Captain plants a fist against the wall and turns to stare at Leonard as if the doctor should know Spock’s location.

“Ask the ship’s computer, Jim.”

Instead of following the advice, Kirk glances away and says, “Observation Deck?”

“If he’s not working, then I would bet so—especially if that call wasn’t pleasant news.”

Suddenly, it seems less important to tell Spock that they have come to a decision than to make sure their Vulcan is well.

Spock, it turns out, has secluded himself on the Observation Deck. Leonard allows Jim to proceed him inside, to say “Spock?” softly. McCoy will easily admit that he thinks Spock responds better to Jim in some ways—because Spock can fool himself that he is being dutiful, even when he is reacting on a personal level and not as First Officer and Science Officer of the Enterprise.

Except this time Spock does not turn around or even spare them a glance. McCoy catches Jim’s eyes and they separate and circle from different directions, effectively coming up to either side of Spock. Kirk and McCoy pause within range to be noticed but not close enough to actively encroach on the Vulcan’s personal space.

And an invisible wall is there, something Leonard finds alarming. “Spock?” he echoes Jim’s concern.

“Captain. Doctor McCoy.” The reply is flat.

Leonard shoves down a moment of panic. “What’s the matter?” He tries to think of what would bother Spock so badly. “Is it Amanda well? Oh Lord, Spock, tell me your father didn’t stop his treatments!”

“Bones.”

“Damn it, Jim,” McCoy shoots a half-hearted glare at the man opposite him. “Spock’s upset. Now there ain’t much in this galaxy that can upset a Vulcan.”

“I am aware of that,” Jim replies a bit heatedly.

Perhaps Spock is tired of listening to them discuss him like he isn’t there. “My mother’s health is satisfactory, as is my father’s.”

Good, so they can get a response out of him. Jim and Leonard drop their silly argument as the ploy that it was.

“We’re not going anywhere until you share with us, Mr. Spock.” Jim pulls his shoulders back with resolution.

Leonard locks his hands behind his back and bounces once, saying, “Damn right. So out with it!” The doctor thinks grimly that he should have brought a medical tricorder, if only to assure himself that Spock is, at the very least, physically whole.

The Vulcan stays silent for some minutes. Eventually Jim faces away, looking at the stars. When the man starts talking, Leonard doesn’t see any reason to stop him.

“McCoy and I originally sought you out, Mr. Spock, to address your request of us.” Kirk’s eyes flick to McCoy, who nods, and then Jim faces Spock again.

We accept, Leonard thinks. Say it now, Jim. Or I will!

Spock takes the chance away from them. “I withdraw my request.”

Leonard couldn’t be more surprised if Spock had hauled off and slapped him. “You—what?”

Jim, a man of action, steps toe-to-toe with the Vulcan, reaches out and grasps the Vulcan’s upper arms. “Spock,” he says roughly, “you don’t mean that.”

“I do, Captain. I regret that my actions cause you distress. You also Doctor,” the Vulcan adds as he turns his blank eyes to stare at Leonard. “What I said was in error, and that is unacceptable. Should you feel that we can no longer amicably work together, I will transfer from the Enterprise.”

This is entirely backwards, utterly wrong. Leonard’s ire rises in sharp response to the shock of pain he has been dealt. “Spock,” he begins, voice low but building, “I don’t believe you.”

“It is not a question of belief, Doctor. It is a fact.”

“Whatever you just said, it’s bullshit, that’s what it is! You don’t get to ask us to make a life-changin’ decision and then back out for—for whatever damn fool reason you’ve convinced yourself of!”

Jim drops his arms. “I’m with Bones on this, Spock. I won’t accept your withdrawal, unless you have a valid reason.”

“And think carefully on your answer,” adds McCoy, “because there is only one valid reason—that you don’t care for either of us.”

The doctor steps to Jim’s side, shoulder to shoulder, forming a barrier of emotion they dare Spock to defeat with Vulcan logic.

“Can you lie to us, Spock?” asks Kirk. “Can you lie to us and say that your feelings have changed?”

Spock replies, “I cannot.”

Leonard wants to know, “Then why push us away? We’ve decided in your favor, you know. This… potential between us, it’s a wonderful thing. I know I would be a fool to give it up.” So would you lingers unsaid but understood.

“I am Vulcan, Doctor, with a Vulcan’s constraint in the matters of emotional attachment. It has been expressed to me how unhealthy a bond between us would be. It will harm you; therefore, I will not pursue a relationship beyond friendship.”

Jim beats Leonard to the exclamation, “Who, Spock?” There is a fierce quality to Kirk’s voice.

When Spock says nothing, perhaps to protect them as much as the source, Leonard tosses out a guess. “I’d say it would be your mother… but that’s illogical, isn’t it? After all, she understands better than the three of us that to love a Vulcan is possible. Was it Sarek?”

Spock’s eyes fix on a distant point above their heads.

Leonard laughs harshly in disbelief, spinning around to curse at the beautiful spray of stars. “That… hypocrite!” He lets loose a few other choice names for Spock’s father.

“Doctor McCoy,” he hears from behind him, “I would prefer that you do not express such an unpleasant opinion of my father.”

Leonard doesn’t bother to turn back around, doesn’t want to. “Jim, please tell me that this pisses you off.”

“It does, Bones,” answers the man shortly. A warm hand settles on Leonard’s back, a comfort that he can lean into. It is Jim’s sharp “Spock?” causes McCoy to twist at the waist. He sees the Vulcan retreating.

Walking away.

McCoy’s cry of “Spock! You can’t do this to us!” echoes in the dim light of the Observation Deck.

Spock only pauses once, to say, “It was not Sarek.” Then he is gone.

~~~
before…

“I thought we had this planned perfectly.” Leonard stares at the party streamers, the laughing people milling around the large space, and then at Spock.

“It would seem, Doctor, that we did not account for the Captain’s personal schedule.”

“That was your job!” the doctor accuses more loudly than necessary.

The Vulcan’s flat look could easily read for your sake, human, do not pursue that ill-conceived argument.

McCoy bounces on the balls of his feet once, sporadically, to indicate his agitation. “Uhura and Sulu put too much effort into decoratin’ to have this party wasted—and, hell, Scotty got us the good liquor!” He pivots, intent on marching to Kirk’s quarters to drag the man out of his hidey hole for one damn evening.

Leonard expects Spock to follow and is not disappointed. They stand in silence inside the turbolift; walk in silence through a familiar path of corridors. Only when the pair reaches the Captain’s quarters, does Spock remark, as McCoy immediately opts to punch in his medical override code, “Perhaps the Captain is not alone.”

McCoy pauses, finger poised over the digital pad. Then, “Doesn’t matter. If Jim is as naked as bluejay, we’ll simply swaddle him in blankets and herd him to the rec room. It’s his own damn birthday party!” Leonard makes certain that his last words carry with Southern temper as he stomps through the now-open door.

Kirk’s voice drifts to them from the Captain’s private bathroom. “Whose birthday party?”

“Yours, you thick-headed fool! What part of ‘meet me at Rec Room IV’ at such and such time did you not understand, Jim?”

James Kirk pauses, silhouetted between bedroom and bathroom, a towel around his shoulders. He’s shirtless and surprised. “Bones, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Kirk looks between Spock, whose brows are at the Vulcan’s hairline, and McCoy with fire in his blue eyes. Then the man grins. “You’re throwing me a party? Great!”

Leonard chokes on the nice bit of yelling he had had planned. Instead, he watches Jim pull on a shirt and dig around for a pair of boots. When the man faces them, fully dressed, his face is lit with good humor.

Spock asks the question that Leonard forgets to. “Jim, did you not receive Doctor McCoy’s invitation?”

The man looks at McCoy. “Bones invited me to my own party?”

“No,” says Leonard indignantly, “Bones was invitin’ you to a get-together that was actually the biggest surprise bash this side of the galaxy. Which now lack its guest of honor.” He makes a noise that he hopes expresses his displeasure.

Of all times…. Jim always answers his messages! How did—

“Doctor, do you recall sending the invitation to the Captain?”

He rounds on Spock. “Of course I—” There are no words to finish that statement, because Leonard suddenly can’t remember doing exactly that. Spock’s long look makes the doctor close his mouth and cross his arms. “My memory may be kind of spotty, Spock, but I’m sure I sent it.”

“Indeed,” replies the Vulcan too calmly. “Memory loss is not conducive to your trade, Doctor. Might I suggest a series of cognitive tests—”

“Why you green-blooded—!”

“Gentlemen, gentlemen! Please,” interrupts Kirk. Their mutual friend and Captain insinuates himself between the two officers, as if Spock and McCoy are about to start trading blows. Dropping a hand onto Spock’s shoulder and his other hand onto Leonard’s, the man says, “It’s my birthday. And as a birthday gift, I am requesting that you both behave civilly to one another for the remainder of the night.”

Spock blinks. “My behavior is exemplary.”

With a snort, Leonard has a smart retort in an instant but Jim simply looks at him.

Right. Birthday gift. “Fine! But only for tonight, Jim. Can you imagine the consequences if no one was allowed to keep that Vulcan in check?”

If Spock were a cat, he’d be puffed to twice his size. The doctor lifts his mouth in a satisfied grin.

Jim pats McCoy’s back. “You’ll survive. You too, Spock.”

With an easy stride and a cheerful word for every ensign they pass en route to Rec Room IV, Jim takes the lead. Leonard just shakes his head, determined to keep pace with the Vulcan.

Even if he can’t poke at the hobgoblin, this evening promises to be a good one. And good ones, Leonard knows, are treats to be savored for the days when everything goes wrong.

~~~

Jim has finally reached a point where he can think of the situation between himself, Spock, and McCoy and not punch a pillow. He can fall into a normal sleep again. Life seems bearable. Then one night an unnatural quake of the ship awakens him; an instant later, red alert klaxons are rattling calm into chaos.

Kirk doesn’t think, barely bothers to dress, with boots in his hands and a wrinkled shirt that may or may not be on backwards. He sprints headlong for the door to his quarters, only pausing long enough to punch in a quick, “Captain to the Bridge. On my way. Kirk, out.”

He has no time to spare a thought for the loud thump in his chest as he and Spock step into the lift at the same moment. They do not speak. As soon as the doors slide open, Jim is already in motion, snapping, “Report!”

What Kirk receives is too much talking at once. He bypasses the Captain’s chair to stare at the screen of stars, now most of those stars blotted out by a large, ugly battle cruiser. Jim’s never seen its make before.

“It came out of nowhere, Sir! Completely out of nowhere!” says the lieutenant manning Weapons.

How can you miss something that size?

He listens to the damage reports filtering in from other sections of the ship, mostly minimal—supplies knocked around, people startled, a call for medical assistance in the transporter room. He looks over a lieutenant-commander’s shoulder for ground zero of the hit on their shields. Had the Enterprise’s shields failed to hold, the hull would have been breached too close to the main warp-core reactors. That means the enemy knows where to aim to hurt them most.

“Mr. Spock, the vessel.” Jim doesn’t need to clarify what he wants to hear; his First Officer always anticipates him.

“Unknown origin, Captain. Distance, one hundred point nine meters and closing. The computer’s sensors detect dissipating levels of ion-pulsion, I suspect, remnants of the weapon they employed against us.

“Uhu—” Jim catches himself, because Uhura isn’t on the Bridge. He turns to face the communications officer on duty. “Lieutenant Harrows, can we make contact?”

“No, Sir,” replies the soft-voiced man. “Their shields are encrypted with some type of scrambler. I cannot get a message through—not even a hail, Sir.”

Something grim rises within him. An enemy that isn’t interested in a discussion or even a surrender. He settles into his chair, ears catching the relevant information being tossed back and forth across the Bridge while still focusing on their attacker on screen. Issuing a series of sharp commands, he wants to put distance between them and this cruiser; he needs a precious stretch of seconds to work out a strategy. The other ship follows the Enterprise in an almost lazy fashion, like a cat toying with a mouse.

“Mr. Scott,” Kirk calls into the comm unit built into his chair, “how fast can you get us out of here?”

“Scott, here. Ye got to give me time, Capt’n! Of all the blasted days to be in the middle of maintenance—!” Jim listens to Scotty’s burr of invectives with a touch of grim amusement.

“I need the engines ready for warp, Scotty,” he says. “We may need to—”

“Captain,” interrupts the Vulcan, “sensors indicate the vessel is gathering energy in preparation to attack. We are approaching the outer band of our range of fire.”

“Hit them first, phaser banks,” he automatically snaps to the man at the weapons console. If they can disrupt the ship’s intentions, they can continue to pull back…

The enemy doesn’t even rock with an aftershock of the blasts; it looms, untouched and all the more menacing. The Captain clenches his fist, knowing instinctively what that means.

The lowered pitch of Spock’s voice confirms that Kirk is right. “Captain, their shields did not drain in response to the energy of the phaser banks. I recommend a full retreat.”

He curses like Bones in his head.

Nothing to be done, not now at any rate. “Scotty, give us as much as you can.”

“Aye, Sir! Alright, lads—”

“Incoming!”

Kirk clings to the arms of his chair as the ship threatens to pitch him across the Bridge.

“Minor damage on deflector shield two. Shields holding at 56.35%,” calls Spock from behind him.

Whatever the Enterprise is being knocked around with, it’s powerful. “Scotty!” bellows Jim into the speaker.

The ship jerks once, then Jim feels the familiar hum down into the marrow of his bones as the Enterprise leaps grandly into warp-speed. In the next few seconds the Bridge screen is blur of light; when they finally come to a standstill, silence holds Jim and his crew captive.

Slowly, the Captain rises. The same look is on every face, except Spock’s. The Vulcan remains straight-backed, his head turned away to his console.

What the Hell just happened?

Part of that question is answered in a terrible way. Jim is attempting to make sense of how an unidentified battleship appears “out of nowhere” (not on their scans) when a panel that Jim had hoped never to see lit goes online. The force with which the man hits the button on his chair’s arm could easily damage it. “Captain to Sickbay! Sickbay, report!”

No one responds. His blood runs cold.

“Spock?”

“The bay is sealed under bio-hazard quarantine.”

“System-activated?” Jim’s heart wants to leap out of his chest.

“Negative. Activated through the Chief Medical Officer’s clearance.”

There are only a handful of reasons why Bones would engage lockdown on Sickbay if the ship’s computer did not automatically detect contamination; and in any scenario, it means something is in the medical bay which the doctor wouldn’t dare let loose on the ship.

“Jim,” Spock says, bent over his console reading data. “There are four lifeforms detected in Sickbay. The computer recognizes McCoy’s bio-signature—” Spock steals a look at Jim. “—but the rest are unknown.”

He leans onto the chair for just a brief moment to steady himself. Then, in a precise push, Jim launches himself towards the turbolift. “Have Security met me at the bay,” he orders no one in particular, too wrapped up in thoughts of what might be happening to Bones.

Jim Kirk looks over his shoulder at his First Officer, who tries to follow. Eyes implacable, he tells the Vulcan, “You have the conn, Mr. Spock.”

“Captain.”

He steps into the lift, willing it to quit taking forever to close.

“Jim.”

Jim doesn’t wait to listen.

~~~
before…

James T. Kirk gambled and lost. In sparing his crew certain death by not giving an order that would have ripped the Enterprise apart, he left them to the mercy of the Kelvans. And when the Kelvans reach their own galaxy…

Jim simply could not condemn over four hundred people to die; yet, by his inaction he may have done worse, opened Pandora’s box. The only difference between that myth and this reality is that Jim feels like he let hope escape too.

Hopeless. Something no one wants to feel.

This is why the man lies in his bed with eyes closed and breathing shallowly, listening to an unnatural silence, seeing an unnatural emptiness in corridors of the Enterprise in his mind’s eye, and thinks that he has failed.

Is a captain’s duty to his ship, or does duty lie in the words of his sworn oath, to inspire through example, educate through exploration, and protect by necessary means the citizens of the Federation?

Kirk flings his arm from his eyes and sits up. He can’t linger in this room another minute, no matter Rojan’s orders, not while the enemy roams his ship, turning his crew into nothing but fragile shapes to be crushed between a pair of hands or under a boot heel.

He transverses the halls looking for at least one officer walking, talking, breathing like him, only to find what amounts to a massacre of innocents. Kirk swallows down pain and blinks back tears.

Yes, he has failed so many.

McCoy watches Kirk. What Jim sees in Bones’ eyes makes his stomach sink.

The doctor says, “Scotty tells me that you could have destroyed the ship in the Barrier. Why didn’t you?”

“Jim, I saw them reduce four of my doctors and nurses into those little cubes—”

Kirk slams his fist onto the table, anger hot on the heels of his anguish. “They’ve reduced the whole crew!” he yells back.

They survive. Again.

Jim’s crew is restored, the Kelvans defeated by the persuasion that they are too human and would be outcast by their own people. Rojan and his band are dropped off on a planet for colonization, so they may have a home-world in a galaxy not their own. Yet Kirk wonders how well a race like the Kelvans—born to conquer, Jim has been told—can ever settle peacefully. As the Enterprise breaks orbit, leaving behind the Kelvans, he rubs the back of his neck. The feeling of “red alert” remains, just as it did that the day Dr. Daystrom installed the M-5 into the computer banks of Jim’s ship.

Bones comes to the Captain’s quarters not long thereafter to apologize. Though Kirk waves the man’s sincere words away, already knowing that his friend feels guilty, he keeps silent on his true feelings. For Jim is certain that Bones had been right. He should have made that call, despite how difficult, cruel, it seemed at the time. Any decent captain in the heat of battle knows to fight for the many and not the few.

Jim is aware that some day he will face with that choice again. He can only pray that he doesn’t fail a second time.

Footnotes:
1. Fourth scene is a fictional extension of the episode By Any Other Name.
2. Dr. Daystrom/M-5 – from the episode The Ultimate Computer.

Next Part

Related Posts:

• What We Feel (12/12) – from April 2, 2011
• What We Feel (11/12) – from April 2, 2011
• What We Feel (10/12) – from March 28, 2011
• What We Feel (9/?) – from March 26, 2011
• What We Feel (8/?) – from March 23, 2011