Title: For the Sake of Nothing, Part 20
Author: klmeri
Fandom: Star Trek AOS
Pairing: pre-Kirk/Spock/McCoy
Summary: Leonard is panicking. Jim is not. Which is all kinds of wrong.
Previous Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19

Part Nineteen became collateral damage of my war with LJ the night before last, and to those of you who read it on my journal I am deeply sorry. It’s fixed. Now… onto the rest of the story. I am close to end-dating this fic. I have no more patience for these boys and a great fear as well, because this story is already over 50k in length. Obviously this is the trouble I get for exploring the world behind a one-shot!

There are many ways to start a story. Sometimes the author has to eke out the details from the beginning. Other times, it’s easier to jump into the middle and work backwards. But when Leonard put his pencil to paper, neither of these things happened. He found the ending first. It spoke of a close camaraderie between three individuals who worked together day in and day out. They had a very strong bond, and a beautiful one at that; Leonard knew, as he translated actions and emotions into words, it was a real thing, not a fantasy. These men existed somewhere else, though perhaps solely inside his head, but they existed and they had stories and he was the person designated to tell those stories.

What Leonard McCoy didn’t quite understand yet was why now.

As he watched Jim’s expression alternate between disbelief and hope, both equally painful to see, Leonard had this thought. Could it be he was building a story, not unlike the one he had written, at this very moment? Was he essentially creating the same story for himself?

No, he decided.

Fiction was exactly that—fiction. It could be the strongest of a man’s dreams and the worst of his nightmares. It could be anything and this…

This was nothing. For the sake of nothing, Leonard had gotten two men involved in a story he couldn’t finish, that had no place being real.

So he pulled his hand out of Spock’s and said what he had been saying all along: “This isn’t going to work.”

“What isn’t…are we…? It’s not going to work?” Jim finally settled on. His bravado had been short-lived; now it was caving in on itself in the face of McCoy’s doubt.

Spock reached for Leonard’s hand again. He stepped out of range, panic tightening his lungs until it was hard to breathe.

“Jim,” Leonard said with real regret, because these words had to be heard, “I didn’t mean for you to think that—” He swallowed. “—we were making you an offer.”

Spock made a sharp movement, a sign of denial. “No. We are making an offer to Jim.”

Leonard shook his head. “You are, which is good, but I’m not, Spock. I told you that before.”

“Do not do this,” Spock’s voice warned Leonard.

“I’m doing the only thing I can,” he said hollowly, “because I don’t believe this can work.”

“Then you have lied to me,” Spock accused him, no longer sounding colorless or heartbroken but angry. “You gave me the impression you cared about what I wanted to achieve.”

“I do care!” This was probably a perfect example of why it couldn’t work between them. Leonard had a knack for ruining Spock’s happiness. “Damn it all to hell, Spock, why do you think I’m telling you to move forward with Jim?”

“That’s not what you told me, Bones.” Jim tried interrupting.

He ignored the other man, saying to Spock, “Take the chance and don’t be a fool.”

“You said,” Jim caught Leonard’s shoulder and he hadn’t seen Jim move into position to flank him, “if I don’t want Spock, I don’t get you. If that’s not an offer, then why did you say it?” His tone was soft but still demanding an answer.

“When you put it like that, Jim, it sounds like you’re making a concession to be with Spock in order to have me.”

Jim didn’t even flinch. “The words ‘concession’ and ‘Spock’ don’t belong in the same sentence. I want him for himself and no other reason. I want you too, Bones.”

“What you wanted,” Leonard reminded him, only feeling slightly guilty about it, “was to get away from us both.”

A shadow of an emotion, maybe fear, passed over Jim’s face. “I didn’t think I could be a part of what you and Spock have. But you said differently, you said it and I didn’t imagine it.” His voice begged for this be to true.

Leonard closed his eyes to block out the desperation in Jim’s eyes. “I really don’t understand you, Jim.”

Jim took a hold of his other shoulder like he could make Leonard understand him by bringing them closer together. “Bones… Bones, please.”

When had Spock moved to his opposite side? They were effectively boxing him in now, Jim and Spock, with the long steel kitchen table at his back. This was bad. He had put himself in a vulnerable position. Maybe he had always been in a vulnerable position, from the moment he met them.

Leonard kept his eyes closed and said nothing, vaguely hoping this entire situation might disappear. But something, or someone, had to give.

Jim touched their foreheads together. How was he content to lean into Leonard this way?

“It’s not going to work,” Leonard said faintly.

“It’s not guaranteed to work,” Jim replied, “but nothing ever is.”

Voice a little stronger, he countered, “It’s not going to last.”

“Nothing lasts,” Spock agreed.

“No one,” Leonard corrected and shook in momentary pain. Then he released a sigh and opened his eyes. “Can you give me some time to think?” He needed that because Jim was onboard with this crazy idea and Leonard had never, ever thought that would happen. And unlike Kirk, he didn’t want to jump in half-cocked. He didn’t have Jim’s miraculous luck for surviving that kind of thing.

Jim pulled back with a light sigh of his own. He looked to Spock with a question in his eyes. Spock, it seemed, needed a few seconds to tear his eyes away from his fingers, which were skating the length of Jim’s neck and shoulder. If Leonard didn’t know better, he had would say Spock was dazed by simply being able to touch Jim without restraint. It must be a wild fantasy come true.

“Time…” Spock said contemplatively. He removed his hand from where it had been exploring the short hairs at the back of Jim’s neck and focused on Leonard. “Yes, within reason.”

“How generous of you,” Leonard said dryly. “How long do I get?”

“Not too long, Bones.”

“I need to talk to somebody,” Leonard admitted. “Someone who isn’t as biased as the two of you on the matter.”

Amusement flickered through Jim’s blue eyes. “Is that so? Hm. Spock, what are the odds of us letting Bones go and Bones coming back?”

“If I withhold his upcoming paycheck until his return, the odds are in our favor.”

“That’s illegal!” Leonard resisted the urge to shove Jim when Kirk laughed delightedly.

Spock lifted an eyebrow. “You may report me to authorities if you wish.”

Hell no. The less interaction any of them had with Pike, the better. “Fuck you both.”

Jim playfully deepened his voice. “Oh, the promises you make, Bones.”

Leonard did shove him then. To Spock, he eyed sourly and said, “I always knew you were a bastard at heart.”

“We will give you two days,” Spock simply replied, “to make your decision.”

Leonard nodded. Sometime during their discussion (or confrontation, though frankly Leonard had no idea how to categorize what had just happened) his panic had morphed into a familiar nervousness. Butterflies in the stomach, some would call it.

All the more reason, Leonard thought, to give nothing away. He only hoped the one person he could go to for advice—and, shit, why did it have to be his ex of all people?—would tell him something that made sense. Unfortunately, knowing Jocelyn as he did, Leonard doubted her “sense” would sound sensible to him.

The tension between the men had abated to the point where Leonard didn’t feel uncomfortable announcing they needed to eat and, by Spock’s sudden chagrined tilt of his head, all three of them had been stupid enough to forgo food for several hours. As he skirted around the steel table to retrieve his jacket, Leonard tried to ignore the way Jim looked at Spock and Spock returned that stare. When they touched—a simple, tentative caress of fingers—Leonard shivered.

How could they not know they were perfect for each other?

Then Jim sought him out, pinned Leonard with an unreadable look from across the room. “Wait for us, Bones,” he said.

Leonard didn’t figure he had any other choice. At least, not yet.

“Joss,” Leonard said when she opened her door, “I need help.”

Jocelyn frowned at him. “This is the second time you’ve shown up at my house claiming that, Leonard. Should I be worried?”

“I mean it.” He pushed his way past her, caught sight of Clay’s startled face from the couch, and spun away to stalk into her kitchen. “Fuck,” he said, looking in the refrigerator and at the bare kitchen counters. “Don’t you have anything to drink?”

“Please, make yourself at home,” she said with a healthy dose of sarcasm. “And, no, there’s no alcohol.”

“Fuck,” Leonard cursed again and barked, “Clay!”

Clay came trotting towards the kitchen. What a well-trained puppy. McCoy mentally kicked himself for being so snide. “How about a beer?” he asked, plucking a school book from Clay’s hands and setting it aside.

Jocelyn intervened with a firm no. “You will not get my boyfriend drunk again!”

“Jocelyn,” Clay said quietly from behind her, “I think he needs a beer.”

Clay understood, somehow. “I really, really like you,” Leonard declared.

The young man’s ears turned red.

“No,” Jocelyn repeated, only to amend, “Well, maybe. Let’s hear the news first, and if it’s a legitimate reason to get drunk off your ass, I’ll play designated driver.”

Leonard did not think Jocelyn going to a bar with them would end well.

She poked his chest. “C’mon, Len. Spill!”

“It’ll embarrass Clay.”

Clay was offended. “I think I can handle anything you have to say.”

Leonard couldn’t help but rise to the challenge. “Great,” he said, baring his teeth in what he doubted passed for a smile. “My two work buddies? They want to fuck me. At the same time, on a regular basis.”

Clay made a noise, part whimper and probably part hysteria. Then he lunged suddenly for a key rack on the wall. “Beer,” he muttered, “nooo, shit, l-liquor. Lots ‘n lots of liquor.” Jocelyn and Leonard stared at the lanky man as he backpedaled for the door, babbling in his haste, “Stay there! D-Don’t come, I can, the liquor store, just me!”

“I want whiskey!” Leonard called as Clay hurried out of the front door and slammed it shut in his wake. Leonard turned to look at Jocelyn. “Will he come back?”

“Probably not until he finishes your bottle of Jack Daniels in the parking lot. I guess I’ll be paying a taxi fare. Or bail money. Damn it, Leonard, why’d you have to scare him like that!”

“Hey, he asked,” said Leonard, his tone bordering on petulant.

“So it’s true!” she crowed, eyes suddenly alight.

“Um.”

Jocelyn dragged him by his shirt collar to her couch. “Mind the rug,” she warned him. “It’s a replacement for the one you ruined.”

He made certain to drag his shoes across it. After being pushed into a sitting position, Leonard folded his arms and gave his ex-girlfriend his most terrifying glare. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Bullshit.”

“I want to get drunk.”

“Sorry, Clay’s doing that part. Now tell me,” Jocelyn began, “about these hot work buddies of yours. Exactly how are they going to fuck you?”

Leonard sputtered and blushed and pulled at his hair when she wouldn’t relent in smirking at him. His glower was half-hearted at best. “You’re the evilest woman I ever met, Joss.”

“And you love me all the more for it. Okay, I won’t bother you for the details. You haven’t actually slept with them yet anyway so it would only be guesswork.”

“Who says I haven’t slept with one of them?”

“Oh, Len. Even a priest could tell you haven’t been laid in ages.”

Talking to Jocelyn is much, much worse than he expected. “Please,” he almost begged, “can we not talk about sex?”

“Only if you tell me about this Jim guy.”

He sat up, accused, “So you did meet with Jim!”

Her look was a warning about his tone. “Yes. We had sushi together.”

Normally Leonard would have made a face of disgust at the mention of sushi but he was too focused on what she had admitted. Did it mean…? “You told him,” he said, deflating somewhat. “God, Jocelyn. Why’d you have to tell him?”

She stayed silent for a moment. Leonard put his head in his hands since it was better than yelling. He didn’t want to be mad at her.

“Len…” Fingers brushed against his hair. “What did Jim say?”

“That you told him everything,” he said in an empty tone.

“But I didn’t. Look at me, Len. I really didn’t tell Jim anything about the accident.”

His brows drew together. “Then how did he find out?”

She looked torn between amusement and admonishment. “Who says he did? That man… That Kirk, he’s something else.” She pursed her lips. “What was he trying to achieve by lying to you, I wonder?”

Realization struck and caused Leonard to sag into the cushions of the couch. “He… holy shit. The getaway.” It made sense. Perfect, ridiculous sense. “I’ll kill the bastard,” Leonard snarled, imagining in detail how he would wring Jim’s neck.

“Before or after you sleep with him?” Jocelyn asked coyly.

Leonard rubbed at his face. “This is fucked up. Why am I—” He dropped his hands to look at her. “Why am I even considering saying yes?”

But Jocelyn didn’t supply his answer. Instead she ordered, “Since you’re pissed at Jim, tell me about Spock.”

“I don’t even want to know how you know his name,” he sighed. “Spock is… well, he’s a little strange.”

“Good strange or creepy strange?”

“The good kind. He’s not very social—”

She rolled her eyes. “Pot, meet Kettle.”

Leonard ignored her. “—but when you get to know him, to understand the way he thinks, he’s really sort of fascinating. He can tell you anything so long as he treats it like a fact. …And I’m not really sure but I think he’s loaded. Like millionaire-loaded, only the guy never brags and he never discusses his finances, ever.” Leonard added, even though he felt silly saying it, “He’s kind, too.”

“Oh, how cute,” Jocelyn said, reaching over to pinch his cheek, “you look so flummoxed!”

“Stop that!” He slapped at her hand.

“You didn’t tell me the important stuff though. Is he good-looking?”

“Like that matters to you,” Leonard retorted, thinking of Clay. “He’s not hard on the eyes.”

“But Spock doesn’t know that, like your Jim doesn’t know he can be valued as more than a pretty face.”

Leonard opened and closed his mouth, stunned. “…How did you figure that out?”

“I know everything. It’s my gift.”

“Jocelyn,” Leonard said heavily, “I always knew I’d rue the day you decided on a psychology major.”

“Oh but, darling, if I don’t help you sort out your psyche, who will? Besides,” she said, fluffing her short hair, “a degree and a license mean I can charge you an exorbitant fee.” She looked too gleeful as she said that.

“Thank God I’m too poor to pay you.”

Jocelyn grinned at him. “That’s not what you told me last time.”

“Shit.”

They stared at each other until they dissolved into laughter. Leonard sobered first. Jocelyn patted his knee and dragged a pillow from the other side of the couch and put it in his lap. Then she laid her head on the pillow. He didn’t know why but having her curled against him soothed the more jagged edges of his anxiety. Idly he combed his fingers through her hair.

“There comes a time, Leonard, when we get tired of being… where we’ve been. Of being complacent, even when that complacency is what makes us feel safe most of the time. You have been locked in your misery for a long time and the misery was safe despite that it was also destructive. You’re tired of it. You may not realize this, but you are seeking a way to end it.”

“How can you know that?” he asked quietly.

“If you weren’t ready, you wouldn’t have come after me that day.” Her voice held a touch of sadness.

Leonard brushed her cheek with his knuckles. She captured his hand and held it between her own. “Len,” Jocelyn told him, “I can’t tell you what you need to do. You know that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“But I can tell you as a friend that I don’t want you to be unhappy anymore. I can tell you that I met Jim and I think he’s a good guy at heart. I think he loves you. I can tell you I don’t know Spock but I know you love him. One of the worst things in the world is to have to choose between two people you care about. If you don’t have to choose, that makes you very lucky. Not many people are that kind of lucky, Leonard.”

“So it doesn’t matter if I decide to be with them in order to save myself?”

“That’s the most important reason to do it,” she replied. “It’s time to be a little selfish—and if Jim and Spock knew it was to help you, would they say no?”

After that, Jocelyn was quiet. There was nothing else she needed to say. Leonard enjoyed her company for a little while longer, kissed her cheek, and promised to go retrieve her drunken fiancée. When he left the condo, he didn’t take his burden with him. It had disappeared.

Next Part

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