Title: What We Feel (9/?)
Author: klmeri
Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Pairing: pre-Kirk/Spock/McCoy
Summary: Spock asks Jim and Leonard to consider their future together.
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Part Nine

She waits for her son to answer, already knowing what has transpired—and also knowing that there is still a chance to fix it. “Spock?” Amanda calls softly, resisting for the umpteenth time to touch the screen. He is far across the galaxy; and while her heart can pretend otherwise, her mind does not give her that luxury.

“I do not understand,” her son tells her with equal softness.

Amanda has to curl her fingers, making a loose fist on the table at which she is seated. Anger spurts through her again—a mother’s rage and a woman’s displeasure, well-blended.

How dare T’Pau!

After all these years, Amanda had hoped the matriarch of the House of Surak realized that she has no more control over how Spock lives today than she did over the lives of Sarek and Amanda. Amanda should have known better, but she thought T’Pau’s interference had died away with the breaking of the bond between Spock and T’Pring.

Of course her child doesn’t understand. Someone like T’Pau keeps a mask firmly in place to fool the eye; the elder Vulcan has little love for “outsiders”—the same sentiment T’Pau expressed over fifty years ago that, in all likelihood, will never change.

“I’m sorry, Spock. This is all my fault! I did not insist on receiving your last communication in private, when I should have.” She had been too worried that Spock called in the first place to think properly; she had forgotten that T’Pau keeps loyal eyes and ears in the Sarek household.

“Mother,” Amanda is told gravely, “it would be illogical to accept an apology which is made in error. You have not committed any harmful act against my person.”

“I haven’t protected you as a mother should!” she insists, realizing belatedly that her voice has risen in pitch. Amanda calms herself and tries to explain. “Listen to me, darling, T’Pau may be wise in many things but love is not one of them. No one, no one, should define how you choose to love except you, Spock.” Not sure that she can reach any other way, she puts a bit of “scolding parent” into her voice. “I will be disappointed if you let T’Pau keep you from happiness.”

“Her logic was sound.”

The flat of her hand smacks the top of the table. “Love is not logical!”

With a small gasp, Amanda covers her mouth as if she can trap the remnants of her outburst. Spock looks at her with interest.

Dropping her hand and blushing, she clears her throat. “When your father proposed to me, he quoted much the same thing: marriage between us would be logical. I told him that under no circumstances would I marry for any reason but love; if his wits were that logic-addled, then he was a fool to pursue a human, let alone me.”

Her son murmurs “Fascinating” but otherwise does not interrupt.

“I was not the Embassy’s choice for Sarek, you understand. We barely knew each other, yet your father approached me with his proposition. I was flattered but I was also furious. After I turned him down, we did not see each other for several months. I expected that he had forgotten about me, married a more suitable woman.”

“He did not,” Spock remarks with a hint of a hopeful question that no one but his mother would detect.

Amanda smiles. “Sarek appreciates a challenge—a trait of his that you inherited.” Her eyes twinkle. “So yes, he did not forget me. In fact, I was rather shocked to find a Vulcan on the doorstep of my parents’ house. We were celebrating my parents’ 45th wedding anniversary, and it would have been rude not to invite him in. From there… well, he promised in his own roundabout way that he did not seek a marriage solely for convenience and, in return, I promised your father that I would give him a chance to prove it.”

Leaning forward, she levels Spock with a mother’s stare. “Your father and I are together because we love each other. I want no less for you. If you love these men and they love you, then you should take the chance. Our lives are brief in this universe, Spock. Should we never risk ourselves for love, when the opportunity is already finite? If the answer was no, then Sarek and I would be worlds apart and distant memories for one another.”

Unfortunately, time rarely seems to be on Amanda’s side. Spock turns his head at the sound of a faint beep, his face settling into professionalism. She is informed, “I must return to the Bridge.”

She sighs. “You must go then. Take care, my love. Please do not dismiss what I have said.”

He lifts his hand in parting, says, “Live long and prosper.” After a moment’s pause he promises, “I shall consider your words.”

“Thank you.”

As Amanda watches the screen go blank, she worries her lower lip between her teeth. She cannot tell Spock that T’Pau is wrong to bring up the concerns—and danger—of bonding with two humans with little psi ability; but Amanda firmly believes that Spock has more to gain than lose. She also knows he is stubborn, like his father. If Amanda wants to fight this battle on his behalf, which is nearly impossible at such a distance, then she must reconsider her tactics.

That decided, the woman reaches for the communication unit again. She spends the next hour recording a plea/demand/“don’t be idiots” message and then forwards it onto the Enterprise, recipients marked Captain James T. Kirk and Doctor Leonard H. McCoy.

~~~
before…

Sarek and Amanda do not receive T’Pau’s missive until two weeks after the fact; it merely states that the bond between Spock and T’Pring is annulled by Spock’s own doing. They do not learn of the details until much later, by speaking with the council on Vulcan, that Kirk acted as T’Pring’s champion and failed.

Failure during kal-if-fee is synonymous with death.

So it is with no small amount of horror and fear that Amanda contacts her son. Sarek, who has not spoken to his son in years, does not join her; he says the knowledge that Spock is not dead suffices.

Well, not for her.

Spock, after listening to his mother’s breathless plea of “Is all well, Spock? Please, you must tell me!” informs her calmly that “Captain Kirk is alive.”

To say she is relieved is an understatement. “How?”

Her son explains the particulars in such a detached voice that once he is finished, she asks him bluntly, “Have you spoken with anyone of this, Spock?”

His flat reply is “I would not discuss the intimacy of my personal—”

She interrupts. “You misunderstand. I want you to talk to someone, a councilor on the ship or… or that Doctor McCoy you mentioned.” Her request surprises him. “You care for your Captain, Spock; you cannot deny it to me. To… be forced into a position where you almost—” She cannot voice kill him, does not like to think of the likely ending had that doctor not found a way to save both her son and James Kirk. “Even logic dictates that for such an action, there is always a reaction. I cannot help but fear for you,” she says gently. “Have you discussed what happened with Captain Kirk?”

“The Captain emphasizes that he is simply ‘glad everyone made it out intact,’ as he described the sentiment.”

Of course. If James Kirk is an honorable man, he won’t want to hurt Spock further; and in her experience, men are more apt to say we don’t need to talk about this despite that the opposite may be true.

She lets her expression tell her son that she won’t pursue the subject but that she is unhappy with how he is handling it. Instead Amanda comments, “I won’t ask how you feel about T’Pring’s betrayal, Spock, but ease my mind. Did you meet with a Vulcan healer after kal-if-fee?”

“Affirmative. My condition has passed, and the bond was successfully dissolved.”

She doubts that he feels its loss. Spock has never shown much interest in T’Pring, not during brief meetings in his youth or a child’s curiosity; years ago, the fact that he chose to leave behind a career at the Vulcan Science Academy for Starfleet indicated that he felt no ties to Vulcan which were worth staying for.

It is obvious to a mother when her child is too distracted to have a decent conversation—or going to be stubborn about conversing at all. They end their communication shortly thereafter. She consoles herself that one of Sarek’s delegation parties has been scheduled for escort by the Enterprise; she plans to insist on attending. Then Amanda will have the chance to confirm her son’s well-being for herself.

It occurs to her two days later that the only way Kirk and McCoy could have attended the ceremony was by Spock’s invitation. That, in the end, becomes subject to a lengthy and thoughtful consideration. By the time the Babel Conference begins, she is as anxious to meet Captain Kirk and Doctor McCoy as she is to see Spock.

~~~

Leonard’s first response is to laugh; his second response is to pour a large glass of brandy.

Amanda Grayson’s message rolls to its thunderous conclusion: “…So if you two are the brave, intelligent men I thought you were, you will drag my son by his pointed ear from whatever laboratory he’s hiding in and explain to him that bonding is wonderful and possible and that you have no problems with loving him at all!”

Leonard suspects that Spock’s mother will not give them the chance to think or do otherwise. She must have a family branch or two of ancestors in the Old South because she can throw a tantrum as good as the women in his family. All this flame-eyed mother lacks is a nice Southern twang.

He downs the rest of the liquor and cuts the communication.

Amanda knows. Does Sarek?

Who is it, then, that prompted Spock to back off?

McCoy sighs into the open air of his bedroom. The truth of the matter is that Spock wouldn’t have started back-peddling if he was firm in what he wanted. Perhaps the Vulcan has decided that the repercussions of loving someone with only half his life span is not worth the pain; perhaps he thought he loved Jim and Leonard but mistook feelings of friendship for something more. Spock isn’t exactly experienced in love and its nuances.

Leonard just does not know.

According to Amanda, it is his responsibility to find out.

Not like I haven’t tried. Spock is the epitome of fortified emotion-repellent walls and impenetrable silence. Before the attack and Leonard had to focus elsewhere, he had tried no less than a dozen times to get Spock to talk to him. Granted, the first handful of times were born of anger and hurt, of I can’t believe you dragged me into this confrontation and then abandoned me!; Leonard cannot blame Spock for not responding to those attempts.

But the others…

He tried approaching Spock as a concerned friend; he tried to be clinical. Hell, he even pleaded—which only ended up with McCoy being mad at himself.

Jim has his own ways, would have either opted for an adrenaline-driven chat with the Vulcan during a spar in a gravity chamber or cornered Spock in some corridor and used that disarming Kirkian frankness.

Apparently neither Kirk nor McCoy are a match for a Vulcan named Spock.

Leonard wants things to be easy. He wants to assuage Amanda’s worries about her son, and his own worries, too. But he simply finds that he is incapable of it—alone.

Jim seems to be waiting for Spock to make the next move. But how long do they really have to play a waiting game? That is not something Leonard wants to do the rest of his life, even if he has Kirk while he waits.

He quits drumming his fingers on the table and flips on a speaker. “Doctor McCoy to Captain Kirk.”

Several seconds pass. “Kirk, here. What is it, Bones?”

“Check your messages.”

“… What else?”

He smiles, hearing the befuddlement in Jim’s voice. Clearly the man does not realize that Leonard is the type to call his significant other at work just to say I love you.

“That’d be it,” he drawls. “Oh and, Jim? Once you’ve done that, let me know when you want to discuss the next step in our plan. McCoy out.”

He rises to his feet, wincing at the cracking of his knees, and decides to shower. Jim will listen to Amanda’s heartfelt words and draw the same conclusions that McCoy has. The woman advises that they work together to break through that Vulcan stubbornness.

And now that he and Jim are together, of a same mind about Spock, perhaps they can.

~~~
before…

“What do you mean you can’t fix it? You’re the Chief Engineer!”

Said-Chief Engineer rolls his eyes at the irate CMO. “I told ye, I’ll be needin’ to take the whole panel out, Doctor. I dinnae say I cannae fix it, I said I cannae fix it today. We’re installing a new—”

The Scotsman’s eyes are beginning to gleam with an unnatural light. …And McCoy doesn’t have time to listen to a confusing lecture about parts and gizmos and whatchamacallit‘s. He’s a doctor, for crying out loud, and on a very tight schedule.

This apple cobbler isn’t going to make itself.

Well, okay. So maybe it can make itself (you know, particles and all) inside a replicator. But those cobblers just don’t taste right and this cobbler is for a special dinner. Besides, his grandmother would roll over in her grave if she knew he was taking replicated food to a party.

In the span of the five seconds it had taken to contemplate the origins of the to-be-made cobbler, Scotty has begun to babble about wiring and things that went kaboom. The doctor feels no shame in interrupting. “So send a tech down here.” A few solid raps of the spoon against the mixing bowl and the dough is subsiding to his will.

Scotty makes a face. “We could try and fit ye in…”

He sputters. “Since when do I have to schedule an appointment to fix a kitchen timer!”

“…and protocol says…”

“Protocol?! Damn it, Scotty, you don’t have time? I have two surgeries in a couple of hours! After that it will be too late and—”

Neither of them, the two stubborn officers, are willing to back down. It escapes both McCoy and Mr. Scott that they are surely wasting their precious minutes by arguing. It is the loud call of “Engineering to Mr. Scott” that draws them to a cease-fire. The Chief Engineer is needed elsewhere and McCoy hasn’t finished chopping the apples. Leonard waves the man away with one hand.

Scotty pauses by the door to ship’s kitchens to say with a hint of disappointment, “I’ll be goin’ then. Why don’t ye just ask the computer to keep the time?”

The man means the ship’s computer, of course, but Leonard turns around with a growing grin. “Why, you’re an absolute genius, Mr. Scott!”

“Aye,” agrees the man on his way out.

“Computer, locate Spock.”

It beeps, burbles and tells Leonard where Spock is. His flour-covered thumb leaves a streak on the comm unit button. “Doctor McCoy to Spock.”

“Spock here.”

“Get your green-blooded hobgoblin self over here, Mr. Spock! I’ve got an emergency.”

Spock’s serene reply indicates how “urgent” he believes McCoy’s situation to be. “Might I inquire where ‘here’ is, Doctor McCoy?”

“Kitchen three.”

“On my way.”

Leonard is happily crumbling the buttery topping over the sweet apple filling when Spock arrives. The Vulcan lifts one eyebrow, surveying the damage of baking productivity and slew of used pots and pans.

He fills Spock in before the First Officer can even ask. “I’m making a cobbler for that guest dinner Jim’s holdin’. Now, the wonderful thing about Vulcans…”

Spock’s eyebrow climbs to a new height.

“…is that y’all are like personal alarm clocks, and this kitchen’s timer is broken.” He closes the tall oven door, squints at the dials and buttons before choosing a bake setting, and then faces Spock. With a quick double bounce on the balls of his feet, McCoy says too cheerfully, “It’s gotta stay in there for 45 minutes. Tell me when time’s up, Spock.”

“Doctor, I was completing a series of reports—”

“You always doing reports. And I bet you do them a week early, too.”

“Precisely, ten point five days.”

“Right. So you can spare a minute or two to help me out.”

Spock stares at Leonard. Leonard stares back.

The doctor slides into a chair and folds his hands on the kitchen counter. Spock, perhaps realizing he has little choice in the matter, sits opposite of McCoy.

They contemplate each other’s silent countenance for another stretch of minutes.

McCoy finally asks, “Are you coming to the dinner?”

“Jim has requested my presence.”

“That’s good.” A few seconds of silence. “Who’s the guest again?”

Spock names some admiral that Leonard has never met.

“Oh.” He muses aloud, “I wonder if he’ll appreciate a fine apple cobbler. It was my Granny McCoy’s recipe, you know.”

“Jim enjoys apples.”

Leonard smiles. “He does. It’s about the only fruit on his diet regime that meets its regular quota.”

And suddenly the conversation is a lot easier once they can turn the subject to Jim. When Spock announces that forty-five minutes have passed, Leonard glances briefly inside the oven and declares that the cobbler could use another five minutes or so to brown on top.

Spock has no objection.

Footnotes:
1. T’Pau – an elder leader of Vulcan, who oversees the ceremony during Amok Time; she is more notably known as the only Vulcan who refused a place on the Federation council. I am taking a few liberties with her character. :)
2. Second scene is a fictional extension of the episode Amok Time.
3. Babel Conference – reference to the episode Journey to Babel, Amanda Grayson’s first appearance in the series.

Next Part

Related Posts:

• What We Feel (12/12) – from April 2, 2011
• What We Feel (11/12) – from April 2, 2011
• What We Feel (10/12) – from March 28, 2011
• What We Feel (8/?) – from March 23, 2011
• What We Feel (7/?) – from March 20, 2011