Title: What We Feel (11/12)
Author: klmeri
Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Pairing: pre-Kirk/Spock/McCoy
Summary: Spock asks Jim and Leonard to consider their future together.
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Part Eleven

Spock senses that Leonard is watching him though he does not turn around to confirm his suspicion. Jim, however, seems focused on the monitors and the task at hand.

An unexplainable anticipation lingers in the back of Spock’s mind; it has been too long since he was last in a room with Kirk and McCoy and no other persons or means of interference. Should this plan come to fruition, Spock must either withdraw quickly thereafter or proceed with caution in the company of these men. He knows not why he has that instinct, but it is there nonetheless—a warning he intends to give credence to.

“How far away are they?” asks McCoy.

Spock can answer that question easily enough. “Precisely seventy-five point two meters. I estimate their arrival in a matter of minutes, Doctor.

“Are we certain that they won’t realize what we are up to?”

Jim replies first. “Let’s hope they assume we are on lockdown because they’ve escaped from the brig.”

McCoy makes a noise of disbelief. “While I’m positive their intelligence level is significantly lower than Spock’s, that doesn’t mean they aren’t paranoid, Jim.”

“I know, Bones.” Kirk stares at the doctor for a long moment. “Telling us all the ways this plan could go wrong does not help.”

Spock glances up in time to see a particular expression on Leonard’s face that causes him to immediately straighten. Jim, too, has shifted in his seat, muscles coiled to spring into action. The Captain’s one word warning is a sharp “No.”

“We don’t have time to waste,” begins the doctor in a reasonable voice. “I could, maybe, lure them or—”

“No!” Jim reaches out to pin McCoy’s left wrist to the chair, as if that can prevent the human from foolishness.

Spock is in perfect agreement with Kirk. “You must remain here.”

“It’s not illogical to have a backup plan!” Leonard turns his fierce blue eyes on the Vulcan, daring Spock to claim otherwise.

He cannot. “In the event circumstances shift from the goal of this mission, we will alert Security and re-capture the intruders.”

The doctor stares at Spock like he can read the Vulcan’s mind. “Jim, tell Spock he isn’t allowed to play round up with three devils who have twice his strength and are three times as bull-headed. Literally.” McCoy flicks his eyes to Jim next. “That goes for you as well.”

Jim’s mouth thins into a grim line. “I suggest, gentlemen, that we make a deal. No one attempts a heroic feat without the other two for backup. Agreed?”

Leonard says, “Fine.” Spock inclines his head in acceptance.

They will be more likely to succeed, Spock decides, with such a contract binding them. But beneath that logical thought lies something more emotional, more human; with it is a memory that reminds Spock exactly how terribly awry matters may become—and how painful.

A hand touches his shoulder lightly enough to capture his attention. Jim looks at Spock, a reflection of that same memory in the Captain’s eyes, too.

~~~
before…

“Your action is highly unethical. My—” Spock’s voice falters only once, as McCoy’s sedative takes effect. “—decision stands.”

In the end, the decision is taken from both Jim and Spock. Doctor McCoy offers his life to Vians in the officers’ stead.

Leonard is dying and Spock is powerless to stop it. He sits close to the human, resisting an inexplicable urge to touch the man for reassurance, despite that his mind presents a sober calculation of the time left until McCoy’s lungs fail. To any other eye, Spock is steady; only the Vulcan notes the fine tremors in the hand which holds the medical tricorder.

There is no time to grieve because he cannot afford to lose his formidable control; not until he, Jim, and the empath are safely out of the reach of the Vians and this cruel experiment. Yet he does not begrudge his Captain such a display of grief. Jim’s voice cracks with pain as he calls out “Bones.” Spock does not interfere when that pain is superseded by anger and despair. Jim is desperate for a way to save McCoy, but Spock knows that any hope at best is tentative.

Leonard opens his eyes once, after a spatter of coughs that prompts Spock to touch him. The Vulcan is partially aware that he has rested a gentle hand on the side of Leonard’s face. The doctor is in no state to be lucid but in those dull eyes, Spock sees McCoy’s recognition of him. Spock has no words for Leonard, and he discovers that he could not speak if he did have words.

In that moment, his silence becomes his worst regret.

The Vians return and lock Kirk and Spock away from McCoy by a force field. Jim is tense, body strained by the inability to go to the doctor. They watch helplessly as Gem kneels beside McCoy, listening as Leonard, barely conscious, makes a plea. “Jim, Spock, are you here? Don’t let her touch me. She’ll die. Jim… I can’t destroy life even if it’s to save my own.”

They come close to losing Leonard McCoy; and though the human does not die, Spock is left with a nameless fear for many weeks following the events on Minara II. If, on occasion, Leonard spies the Vulcan lingering in the medical bay without a particular purpose, encounters Spock more frequently than usual throughout the routine of next month, the doctor says nothing of the oddity to the First Officer. He simply lifts a corner of his mouth in greeting, eyes as equally haunted as Spock’s.

~~~

Jim and Spock are having some sort of silent communion and Leonard is not invited. This has happened before and will, no doubt, happen again. The Captain and the First Officer are two of a kind, connecting easily in ways that Leonard knows he shares with neither of them. Not for the first time, a thought crosses his mind: How is it that he fits in their pattern?

McCoy stands up simply for movement. Since there is not much space in this small room, he can take three steps and find himself facing the door.

“Bones!”

He turns his head at the sharpness in Jim’s tone. “What, Jim?”

Kirk is standing now, too. “Going somewhere?”

Oh. He grins slowly, unable to help himself. “Afraid I’m not a man of my word?”

Jim does not return his smile. “I believe you, Bones, but Spock and I would feel better if you were seated.” Jim smiles, then, in a lopsided way. “Please?”

Now Leonard is the one who isn’t smiling. “So you speak for Spock too, Jim?” He is looking at Spock as he says this.

“I will not refute Jim’s request, Doctor,” he is told.

Somehow that infuriates him. He moves away from the door to lean over Spock, who is perfectly still in his seat. “Why is that, Spock?”

Jim grabs Leonard’s arm. “Bones, don’t. There’s no time.”

“Will there ever be time? What happens if one of us dies today? If I had died back in Sickbay?”

Jim pales.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes softly, never breaking eye contact with the Vulcan. “It’s not that I care more about myself to push like this, Spock; truth is, I care more about you and Jim—” He reaches back without looking, palm up, and a hand slides into his. Spock’s gaze breaks away from his and trails over to Leonard’s and Jim’s joined hands. “—than anyone else on this ship. I want you to know that, in case you don’t.”

When Spock is still silent, Leonard breathes deeply. “One last thing, Spock.”

The Vulcan inclines his head, tacit permission to continue.

It’s a gamble but he tosses the remainder of what he has to lose onto the proverbial table. “You hurt us. You should know that, too.”

Jim squeezes McCoy hand, a sign of trust.

“Forgive me,” Spock responds at last. “It was not my intention to cause pain.” His words are both hesitant and sincere.

“If you had the choice, would you change your actions?”

“Yes.”

“What would you have done differently?” the doctor pushes.

When Spock does not answer, Jim says simply, “Spock.”

The Vulcan rises, clasps his hands behind his back, and stands at attention like a man facing an execution by firing squad. “Were it possible to change my past actions, I would have not have approached you, Captain, or you, Doctor.”

He understands, he really does, and that is why Leonard ignores the pain those words cause and moves his free hand to the juncture between the Vulcan’s shoulder and neck; he deliberately positions his hand so that it rests on the dividing line of Spock’s uniform and skin, touching both. Spock does not tense or change expression. He also does not ask McCoy to remove his hand.

“You could have kept silent, Spock, but the only person you would have hurt in doing so is yourself,” Leonard tells him with gentleness. “Asking us because you felt the necessity to ask was right and I swear by all that I am you did not hurt me in asking. Scared me a little, but it turned out to be a good thing. I know that Jim feels the same.”

Jim seems attuned to McCoy and takes over with ease. “You may not understand what drove you to approach us but we do. You love us; it is natural to want to know if we respond the same.” Kirk holds out the hand not gripping McCoy’s to Spock.

Slowly, as though he cannot stop himself, Spock wraps his long fingers around Jim’s, accepting the silent invitation. Leonard swallows, watching the two of them.

“Can you feel the truth of my words, Spock?” Jim is asking the Vulcan. “Then believe my sincerity when I tell you that I love you as a friend, I love you as a brother, and I am willing to love you as more, too.”

There is one last point to make, and Leonard’s fingers dare to brush lightly against Spock’s skin as he talks. “To love is to risk, whether you risk your feelings gettin’ hurt or you risk your life. What you don’t risk is someone else’s life, Spock; that is their risk to take, not yours. Jim and I told you once already we have decided to accept your proposal. I hope you know that we do understand the risks involved, for you, and for Jim and myself—” He smiles, phrasing his words as Spock would. “—and we find them acceptable.”

They have sweet silence. The ship could be far, far away rather than beneath their feet. For a moment in time, Leonard feels only the strength of Jim’s hand in his and Spock’s cool skin under his fingertips. Connected as they are is peaceful, a heady sensation of right. Leonard thinks that there is no other place he would rather be in all the galaxy.

A moment in time is exactly as it seems; it cannot last. Their moment in time is broken by a computerized voice stating “Transporter activated.”

Spock pulls back to return to the controls, Jim leaning over Spock’s shoulder to see the monitors. Leonard, however, faces the door as if he can see through it; on the other side are three would-be hijackers—and a large part of why Leonard and Jim have been able to have this moment alone with Spock.

It is crazy, he muses, how events have conspired to be both a disaster and an opportunity.

Leonard’s attention is drawn back to Spock and Jim when the First Officer says, “They are attempting to configure the transporter to return to their ship.”

“Perfect,” the Captain says. “Let’s aid them in their endeavor, Mr. Spock.”

“Yes, Captain.”

On the monitor, the three brutish beings are arguing, pushing one another toward the transporter, and gesturing at the softly lit platform as if to say not me, you go first. Perhaps none of them are willing to take the chance with strange equipment, despite the transporter is their only option for escape.

Leonard tugs at his bottom lip with his teeth. Then he asks, “Can you tell the computer to announce the beaming coordinates—or say something like ‘gonna put you on your ship and not dump you in a vacuum of space?'”

Jim shoots the doctor an amused look. “Good idea, Bones.”

Spock says, “Yes, it is possible.” Then the First Officer flips a few switches and uses voice commands to guide the computer to what they need done.

Leonard listens with satisfaction as the ship’s computer relays the destination of the beaming sequence in a loop. The devils have stopped arguing and appear to be listening intently. Like a well-rehearsed play, they file onto the platform and arrange themselves on the appropriate pads.

“Initiating beaming sequence now,” Spock says.

The three officers watch as the three of the enemy fade away in halos of light.

Leonard crosses his arms. “Well, that was easy enough.”

“Indeed,” echoes the First Officer. “Now we must wait for the outcome of our actions.”

McCoy shares a quick look with Kirk. And what will come of their heart-to-heart only moments ago?

The lock on the door behind Leonard is released. He steps out of the tiny room with a sigh. Jim follows, stops beside him and leans in to lightly kiss his mouth. “Love you, Bones,” Jim says and leaves.

McCoy remains standing in the middle of the transporter room. Once Spock has finished disengaging the lockdown on the near-by sectors of the ship, as well as returned the transporter to its normal functions, Leonard accompanies him to the turbolift. They do not speak as the lift ascends to the Bridge.

They do not speak, that is, until Leonard asks with audacity, clearing his throat first, “Spock, show me how Vulcans position their fingers to share a kiss.” He doesn’t bother to fight down his blush.

Spock solemnly holds out his hand, fingers appropriately splayed. Leonard studies that hand for a moment before looking at his own hands and remarking wryly, “You will have to coach me.” He glances quickly at the number of the deck which the lift is passing by, says “Oh to Hell with it!” and drags the Vulcan’s head forward without warning, kissing him with a hard press of their lips.

Leonard eases back to tell Spock, “That’s from Jim to me to you.” He resumes his position beside Spock with a satisfied smile, knowing the Vulcan would have seen the parting affection between the doctor and the captain in the transporter room. After all, the hobgoblin observes everything.

The turbolift pings and its doors slide open to reveal their final destination. Leonard walks onto the Bridge, finds Jim already seated in his Captain’s chair. Captain Kirk turns his head to look at the pair, then calls them both to his side. Spock and McCoy go to him without hesitation.

~~~
before…

The air is bitingly cold, and Leonard talks to keep Spock awake until help arrives. The Vulcan has long since given up dignity and is slumped against Leonard’s side, head hanging. There are still smears of green blood along his temple, despite the doctor’s best effort to wipe most of it away.

Leonard’s body is beginning to shake as the cold settles into his bones. “Spock? Spock?” he calls softly. He takes one of Spock’s limp hands though he knows it is a personal invasion of epic proportions and helplessly tries to project the remaining vestiges of his hope and hang in there, Spock while he can.

He drops his head back against the rocky wall and closes his eyes. “Do you ever wonder if this is our destiny, Spock?” Leonard hastily corrects himself. “Not dying, I mean. This—us.” He chuckles into the quiet dark of the cave. “If anyone had asked me that question when we first met, why I’d have tossed out a hundred different reasons against liking you and ever gettin’ along. We clashed something fierce in those first few months, d-didn’t we? I’m not… I’m not sure when that changed. Honestly, I think it was Jim. He’s wiley, probably had us hoodoo-ed when our backs were turned.”

Leonard approves of that thought somehow, even though he knows he shouldn’t, and he can barely remember what he was saying…

The man jerks open his eyes, castigating himself. He isn’t supposed to fall asleep because Spock has a head injury and Spock needs him.

Damn. He can’t feel his toes wiggling in his boots.

Leonard rubs Spock’s hand between his own hands without thinking. “A’right, where was I?” He works hard to smile, the muscles in his face stiff from the cold. “You would probably call me f-foolish—ha, illogical—but I figure if somebody has a big cosmic plan ‘n we aren’t all stumbling around in the dark, then there has to be a good reason for you and me. Sometimes… I can almost see what that good is, that we do together. Jim, Jim—he’s the main part of it. You always drag him outta whatever fire he’s pitched himself in-into, and me, I patch up him afterward. Maybe that’s it, Spock…” His voice trails off, losing strength.

Leonard swallows, feeling hollowed out and a bit fuzzy. He tries to push on, no longer sure if he is talking to comfort Spock or himself, if he is saying these things because he may never have the chance.

His voice is a low croak; whether from weakness or emotion, it is too difficult to tell. “That has to be it. J-Jim. We’re both what Jim needs.” His fingers tighten reflexively on Spock’s hand. “Please don’t die. I’m tryin’ to tell you that you’ve got p-purpose, damn it! It’s on the Enterprise, gettin’ excited over new anomalies and scaring ensigns stiff when they pull stupid pranks… it’s with me, Spock—with me and Jim ‘n everybody who t-thinks there’s something special about you.”

The tears falling out of his eyes are warm against his cheeks. “Damn you, you stupid hobgobin,” he moans. “I wish you’d never come a-after me. I-I hate ice planets,” ‘n I want to let go but I can’t I can’t where’s Jim? why isn’t he savin’ you? for God’s sake don’t you dare die on me, Spock—

One of the search parties finds them, Spock unconscious but alive, McCoy only aware enough to say the Vulcan’s name and whisper “I told him not to die, Jim. I told him not to.” It takes a soft, coaxing voice to convince Leonard to release Spock’s hand. The voice (familiar, so familiar to Leonard but he is tired and “Where’s Jim?”) says, “I’m here. It will be okay, Bones. I promise” and Leonard nods though he isn’t sure if his head moves at all.

Doesn’t matter. Jim is here. Jim is here and Leonard told Spock not to die.

Footnotes:
1. Second scene is a fictional extension of the episode The Empath. Quotes are italicized.

Epilogue

Related Posts:

• What We Feel (12/12) – from April 2, 2011
• What We Feel (10/12) – from March 28, 2011
• What We Feel (9/?) – from March 26, 2011
• What We Feel (8/?) – from March 23, 2011
• What We Feel (7/?) – from March 20, 2011